Hey guys, quick one today. In fact, that’s appropriate, since this post is about doing something quickly; namely, getting a girl’s number.

Give this a try: roll up and open with Genuine Interest (”going direct” for all y’all pickup kids), then after telling her she’s cute or stunning or whatever, say, “I really have to run, but I’m gonna take a gamble that you’re cool too [get her number].” This is like a 30-second number-grab, and it works. If you don’t believe in the glory of the quick grab, do this right and it’ll expand your reality.

I think the power in this is that, by saying that you’ll gamble that she’s cool, you’re indicating that you demand certain standards in the women you see. It’s like giving her an IOU for screening… like, “I don’t have time to screen you right now, but it does matter to me that the girls I see are cool. I’ll assume you qualify for the moment, since I’m in a hurry. I’ll find out for real when we get together.” And it does it in a friendly, subtle, non-playerish way, instead of doing it like, “We can hang out IF you’re cool” or whatever.

When I do that 30-second number-grab, I usually keep the plans themselves somewhat nebulous - more “getting a drink sometime” than specific times and places. This might be me calibrating to the suddenness of the grab and not wanting to scare her off with specific plans before we’ve even chatted, or it might just be me using poor form. Not sure. I’ll experiment with being more specific on the 30-second number-grab and report back.

Plusses and Minuses of the Quick Number-Grab

The big minus to the 30-second grab that I can see is that the woman doesn’t get invested in the interaction; she simply doesn’t have time. Investment is a powerful attraction builder, and without it she’s more likely to flake. Even if she thought you were attractive, she might be less willing to push through obstacles, like other plans or general laziness, to see you - she didn’t put in a lot of work to get things rolling with you, so the thought of losing you doesn’t bug her too much.

The obvious plus is that you can do this when you’re in a hurry. Another one is that you literally don’t give yourself time to screw up. That sounds pessimistic, but it isn’t really. I’ve found that most people, if you show them one really cool aspect of yourself and then bail before they see anything else, tend to fill in the blanks with equally cool stuff. It’s like they take the one thing they know about you and flesh out the rest of you in their mind, at the coolness level of whatever glimpse of you they got. You can use that to your advantage here. With the quick number grab, make a powerful, attractive impression, then get outta there. She’ll fill in the blanks in a favorable way.

Like the last post, this is my rough idea and not fully vetted theApproach tech from Sebastian. Still, bearing that in mind, give this a try and let me know what you think.

Cheers,
Clark

Hey guys,

Here’s the situation: a woman’s leaving your place after the two of you have had sex for the first time… not too long after meeting each other. She’s gathered up her clothes and gotten dressed, the cab’s waiting outside, and she’s halfway out the door. You’re still under the covers, hands behind your head and feeling good, basking in that languid, post-coital contentment.

Maybe you see relationship potential here, or maybe you’re not on the monogamy market right now. Either way, you like this woman and want to see her again. You don’t want her to file you in the “one-night stand” category, but you’d rather not say something weak and played-out like “I’ll call you, ok?” or “Hey, let’s definitely hang out again soon.”

Here’s something I’ve said to let her know I care without getting cheesy, tapping bad precedent (e.g., “I’ll call you!”), or overstating my intentions. As she’s heading out the door, say:

“Hey, text me to let me know you got home ok.”

Of course, you could just not say anything or play it aloof or whatever, but I’m not really a fan of that. It might actually generate some intrigue and attraction, but it does that by tapping insecurities and vulnerabilities. I don’t like exploiting negative emotions to build attraction, and anyway, I want a woman to associate positive emotions with me, not negative ones. I think it makes for better, more enjoyable long-term connections.

So there you go. “Hey, text me to let me know you got home ok.” It’s just a normal thing to say, but that’s what most of this social-skills stuff is, really. The trick is in saying the right normal things at the right times. Anyway, try it out – it makes her feel good to hear it, which makes you feel good to say it. Plus, it’s just nice.

A quick disclaimer: this is my tech, not Sebastian’s. I said it on instinct a little while ago, it’s worked well, and I thought I’d share it with y’all. But it’s not fully vetted theApproach tech courtesy of Sebastian Drake. Just a heads up. Still, give it a whirl and see how it goes.

Cheers,
Clark

Ok, one more thing for today. This was told to me by the amazingly cool Scot McKay of X & Y Communications. We were chatting, and I mentioned a girl I’d kinda “blown it” with. I spotted her on Facebook (she was a friend’s friend), contacted her, and ended up meeting her for lunch. It went great, and we ended up having a noontime drink (ooh, taboo!) at a cool dive bar. At this point, it was clear that in addition to being smoking hot, this woman was intelligent and witty, with really interesting and eclectic interests. In the course of the conversation, the subject of smoking hookah came up, and she invited me back to her place to smoke hers. Oh snap, it’s on! Right? Well, probably, as long as Clark doesn’t drop the ball. Which I did.

We went back to her place, broke out the hookah and tobacco, sat on the couch, started smoking, and… I wussed out. I sat next to her so that we were thigh-to-thigh, but I was seized by nervousness and couldn’t make a move. I didn’t understand what was going on - this sort of hesitation isn’t typical for me (at least, not anymore), and I could feel the clock ticking down the seconds until my manhood was irretrievably lost. It took a whole hookah-smoke’s worth of time and a TV show before I finally kissed her. We began to make out, and I thought that I’d just barely scraped by despite my unforgivable wimpiness, but alas. A little making out, a little talking, and then she very gently and politely booted me out around 8. And not in an “It’s getting late, but OMG I’m dying to see you again for realz” way.

Granted, not too long ago I’d have been blown away by the idea of randomly hollering at a girl on Facebook, getting a date, and ending up making out back at her place. But now… what sticks is that I was a wimp. She sat there on that couch, waiting for me to be a man and make the move that we both wanted made. When I didn’t, it made me look (and feel) weak, nervous, and indecisive. At the end of the night, it came up that there was some guy in a different city that she was kind of into, and she wasn’t sure whether she wanted to (or could) pursue something with him. Ouch.

Anyway, I was telling all this to Scot, and he honed in on the fact that I was looking at this other guy like he was competition (I already understood what I’d actually done wrong during the date, so we didn’t spend too much time on that). Here’s what he said:

In Week 16 of the 2006 NFL season, the Vikings, the Redskins, and the Saints all had a shot at the playoffs.* All the Vikings had to do was win their next game, and they’d be in. The Redskins would get in only if they won their next game AND the Vikings lost theirs. The Saints would get in only if they won their next game AND both the Vikings and Redskins lost theirs. As Scot talked, I jotted down this diagram:

_______

+V –> V playoffs

_______

+R –> R playoffs

-V

_______

+S –> S playoffs

-V

-R

_______

Scot asked which team I’d most like to be. I said the Vikings, and I was right. All three teams have to win to get into the playoffs, but the Vikings are the only team whose prospects don’t also depend on other teams losing. The Vikings’ victory or defeat is all on their shoulders and no one else’s. Scot’s point was that if I’m out with the girl, then I don’t have to worry about whatever other guy is on her radar. I’m the Vikings - if she’s out with me, then I’ve got my shot and it’s all on me. The other guy can’t touch me. He’s the Redskins - he doesn’t affect whether I get to the playoffs, and I have to blow my shot if he’s going to have one. And, of course, somewhere out there are the Saints - some random guy who will get his shot if both of us drop the ball. I took my shot and didn’t do so well, giving the Redskins (i.e., other dude) an opportunity.

Now, this girl was awesome and I’d like to get her know her better (and more intimately), but my life will hardly come crashing down if we don’t end up getting together. That being said, I ain’t done yet. I may have dropped the ball, but my information says that the Redskins didn’t play too well either, and I haven’t heard about the Saints scoring a big win. I think it’s still anyone’s game. I’ll drop her a line inviting her to come do something fun, and the next time we go out, I won’t drop the ball. That’s what’s up.

Thanks for reading, guys.

Cheers,
Clark

*I may get the actual details of the sports metaphor wrong - the teams, year, or whatever. It won’t affect Scot’s point.

Good evening, ballers. I’m writing this from about 20,000 feet up, flying back from a wonderful vacation in Colorado with some old friends. I had a blast – we explored Denver and Boulder during the days, partied at night, and just enjoyed each other’s company. I know I already posted once in the new year, but just coming off vacation makes this feel like the first one, so: I hope you all had a great Near Year’s and are looking forward to an amazing 2008. Let’s keep going with Sebastian’s lessons on fashion.

Lesson with Sebastian Drake: Fashion, Part 2

Last time, we (and by we, I mean Sebastian) broke fashion down into two main elements. We already talked about the one, fit. Now we’ll cover the other one, detail.

Detail

Detail refers to little eccentricities that imply that your clothes are of high quality. Some signifiers of quality are inherent in the quality of the clothes itself – the fabric, stitching, etc – but those can be hard to spot, so high-end designers also put lots of special detail into their clothes as alternative signifiers of quality. Some examples would be interesting and eccentric stitching, cool pockets, non-functional zippers, cool buttons, artful rips or distressing in jeans, and so on. Any cool, funky little detail that makes the clothes more interesting is the sort of detail we’re talking about, and it’s a good thing to throw into your look.

This doesn’t mean that you should be gaudy. Sebastian’s not suggesting I go over the top with lots of flashy crap all over my clothes. That sort of attire is typical of the fashion philosophy called peacocking, popular in certain schools of “pickup.” Peacocking involves wearing flashy and eye-grabbing clothes to make yourself the focus of attention. A heavily peacocked pickup artist can be quite a sight – Erik “Mystery” von Markovik, for example, might be seen sporting a hat with goggles perched atop it, gleaming vinyl pants, a transparent mesh shirt, and massive New Rock boots. Personally, I don’t peacock, and neither does Sebastian – I suppose the Tibetan bracelets I wear are attention grabbers to some extent, but it doesn’t really go beyond that. Peacocking makes a lot of sense if your goal is to attract attention, but my goal is to be a stylish, high-status guy who attracts other high-status people. Sebastian is teaching me a fashion philosophy more in alignment with my personal aims. So if your goals are similar to mine in this area, then don’t be too outrageous, but do add some little details that give you a stylish edge, especially things that stand out at a distance.

If you add too much flash and dazzle to your look – say, big iced-out chains – you can lose some attainability and legitimacy. In other words, you’ll come off as a player or as hopelessly out of people’s league (or, if you can’t pull it off, as goofy-looking), and these are not good things. A great way around this, which will let you add some flash and ball out without sacrificing your attainability, is to add flash in your functional accessories. The functional accessory slots are: socks, scarf, belt, and watch. These are things that you wear for functional reasons, and so somehow you get a little more slack in being flashy with them than you would with a non-functional accessory like a bracelet or even a tie. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t wear non-functional accessories – I love wearing neckties, myself, and I also have a few bracelets – just that you have less leeway in getting super flossy with those items.

Again, the functional accessory slots are: socks, scarf, belt, and watch. Always wear cool socks – I like argyle patterns, and I also have some ridiculous, brightly-colored ones that I like to wear when the rest of my outfit is more monochromatic and subdued. I also picked up two scarves that I’ve been wearing a lot lately. One is very long and thin, sort of rolled in on itself, with a grey-and-black stripe pattern and tassels at the end. The other has a cool pattern of grey, purple, and pink. My watch is a ballin’-ass Diesel that an ex-girlfriend bought me as a birthday present, and my belt is… well, to be honest, my belts are pretty boring. I should upgrade soon.

Sebastian suggests matching your shoes, belt, and watch if you can. Personally, I only have one watch, which makes that a little tougher. I might buy some cheap, cool-looking watches, or I could also swap my current black watch-band for one in the color “cappuccino,” a dark brown that Sebastian says matches with brown, black, and red. Sebastian gave another cool little tip here: if your job involves corporate dress – say, if you’re at a law firm or investment bank – you can quickly go from a work look to a going-out look by swapping out your shoes, belt, and watch for a pair of white shoes, a white belt (or black belt with white buckle), and a white-plastic-coated metal watch (Sebastian says Guess makes good ones). Just keep the white gear in a box under your desk, and there you go.

A Quick Word on Buying Clothes

Before Sebastian buys a new item of clothing, he first makes sure that either: 1) it’s an incredibly good bargain, or 2) it will instantly become the coolest item of its type in his wardrobe. If neither of those is true, he doesn’t buy.

And that wraps up the lesson on fashion. Go forth, get fly, and have fun.

Cheers,
Clark

Today we’re going to talk about fashion. Personally, I used to avoid it like the plague. My uniform was basically a bland, oversized t-shirt, ill-fitting jeans, and ratty sneakers. I’d say, “Clothing is such a stupid thing to spend your time on. I’m not one of those shallow posers. I don’t care what I look like - what matters is who I am on the inside.” I see now that this was a cover born of fear. Fashion seemed complex, challenging, above my head - throwing my hat in the ring by giving a crap would bring the possibility of failure, and I decided to spare myself by telling myself that fashion was stupid anyway. It’s “The Fox and the Grapes:” the grapes are high up, probably beyond my reach… eh, whatever, they’re probably sour anyway. I don’t want them.

Time to dispense with these childish excuses. Fashion makes a difference, like it or not, and it’s time to man up instead of avoiding it. Fashion says something about who you are, and beyond that there’s simply a visceral power to it that’s undeniable. For instance, I am absolutely captivated by hipster chicks. I don’t understand it, but there it is. Something about their look drives me insane in the best possible way. That’s the power of fashion - let’s harness it.

Lesson with Sebastian Drake: Fashion, Part 1

Let’s keep it simple - we want to look good, but this isn’t about making fashion our life. Sebastian broke fashion down to two main points: fit and detail.

Fit

Fit is important and independent of the type of clothes you wear - its style, quality, price, whatever. Here’s the point to remember: tight is right.

With shirts, you want: tight/clinging at the bicep, tight in the shoulders, a little tight in the chest, no extra material at the stomach. The bottom of the shirt should fall no lower than one belt-width below your belt, and ideally it should hit right at the middle of your belt. This means that if you raise your arms above your head, you’ll show a little skin - that’s good. Don’t be afraid to show some flesh, you little sexpot, you.

With t-shirts, it’s almost all about fit (as opposed to detail, which we’ll discuss next post). Sebastian suggests you ignore what’s on the shirt, no matter how stupid the design or image - if it fits well (according to the criteria above), buy it.

Wear your shirts small. I repeat: tight is right. I’m about 5′11″, 165 pounds - Sebastian suggests that I buy “small” and never buy larger than a “medium.” I bought a few 50/50 t-shirts from American Apparel in a “small,” and they look great. Obviously, bigger guys might need bigger sizes, but keep it tight. Wear a shirt that’s way too big for you, and you lose all sex appeal. Togas haven’t been hot in a while.

For long-sleeved shirts, Sebastian thinks that a little less material at the wrists is a good thing. It’s a cool, modern look, plus it lets you discreetly check your watch when necessary. Slightly shorter sleeves on suit and sport coats are cool too, and they let you floss your cuff links. Also, rolling up your shirt sleeves can look cool - I have some shirts that I wear almost exclusively with the sleeves rolled up.

With trousers and jeans, you want: tight in the waist and thighs. Below the knee, tightness isn’t necessary; you can go boot cut or whatever, and that’s fine. Just make sure it’s decently tight in the areas above the knee. Slightly shorter pant legs are ok if you’ve got fly socks or shoes that you want to floss. Again, slightly short is a sexy, modern look.

Heavier guys: this stuff apples to you too. Tight is right, no excuses. If you’ve got a little more to love, so be it - show it off. Sebastian asked me: “What kind of chubby girls get attention at the club?” The answer is: the ones who dress as if they’re not chubby. It’s the bigger girls in knee-high boots, short skirts, push-up bras, tight tank tops, etc, who make it crack in the club, not the ones who dress as if they’re ashamed of their weight, with poofy dresses or those big belts right across their middles or whatever. The same applies to us - within reason, tight is right, irregardless of body type.

Sebastian ended the lesson on fit by saying, “Clark, your clothes are cool, but they could be tighter.” Does that apply to you too? If so, do what I did: don’t throw out your favorite threads, but go pick up a couple cheap new items with a tighter fit and see how you feel. I’m a fan.

Next: Detail.