Evening, dearies, and happy holidays! I had a great experience yesterday, one that provided some insights I’d like to share with y’all. Every few weeks, some of the more senior guys in the Boston pickup community hold an event where they take newer guys out for a few hours to do daytime approaches. The more experienced guys each take a group of two or three newbies and push them into interactions, give them feedback, and do some demo approaches themselves. Yesterday, the event was held at a local mall. One of the more advanced guys had to cancel at the last minute, so I was given a group to take around instead of being assigned a sensei myself.

The guys in my group were awesome - eager to learn, receptive to feedback, and (for the most part) willing to approach when I said “approach.” This is no easy feat, especially if you’re new, and I wasn’t exactly merciful with the little missions I sent them on. I started by having my boys deliberately blow themselves out with women, so they could realize that rejection doesn’t have any real consequences and learn to shrug it off. To that end, they spent a few minutes approaching random women with lines like, “I’m in love with you. Do you want to date?” and other winners. After that, we went into full approach-machine mode, and I didn’t spare them the toughies. I had my boys chasing women into Victoria’s Secret to approach, stopping girls who were talking on their cellphones, and approaching large groups of intimidatingly beautiful women. They didn’t get a zillion numbers or dates, but they did get a few, and anyway that wasn’t the point. Any success following the approach was secondary; the main point was to approach, period. On that ground, they exceeded expectations. So if you’re reading this - Paul, Allen, Rob, Nick - nice one, fellas. As for me… well, I did ok.

It was interesting taking inexperienced guys out and watching them encounter, battle, and sometimes overcome unexpected sticking points. It actually clarified a few points for me and called my attention to issues that I’d thought about briefly but not fully.

Pacing

The idea here is simple: if it isn’t weird, don’t make it weird. If it is weird, acknowledge it and move on.

Let’s flesh that out. Approaching a woman on the street, in a mall, at a bar, or wherever isn’t a weird thing. There’s nothing wrong with it, and it doesn’t transgress social norms about acceptable behavior. It’s not weird, so don’t make it weird. Don’t approach with, “Excuse me…” or “Sorry to bother you, but…” or “Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” That gives the impression that you think you’re doing a weird thing, and they’ll tend to agree with you. Just do your thing; approach with confidence and without apology.

That being said, sometimes the approach will encroach on social norms a bit. Say she’s talking on her cell phone. Interrupting her to introduce yourself and start an interaction… well, that actually is a little unusual. When the situation is weird, acknowledge it and move on. Just preface your opener with what Sebastian calls a pace, a short phrase that acknowledges the oddness of the situation. Pacing is quick and easy, and it’s not a big deal, but it helps to throw some in when the situation calls for it: “Hi, I see you’re on your cell phone, but I saw you sitting here…” and you’re off. No muss, no fuss.

Oh, and bonus tech from Sebastian: after you approach phone-lady with your Genuine Interest opener (and get a response), suggest with a smile that maybe she can call whoever it is back. Trust me, this isn’t too forward - very often, they go with it.

The “Tree Disguise”

Ever see a cartoon where one character wants to sneak up on another, and he hides behind a fake tree or something and scoots along in short, furtive bursts? It’s usually accompanied by whimsical, “someone’s up to no good” music played in time with the scooting. Maybe the other character glances backward, sees that a tree has suspiciously relocated itself a few feet, then shakes his head and looks away - at which point the “tree” scoots a little further. You know what I’m talking about.

Yesterday, I realized that our fear of approaching a woman - approach anxiety, as the kids call it - uses legitimate reasons for not approaching as a “tree disguise,” a way to sneak up on us unnoticed. I would point at a woman some distance away and tell one of my boys, “Go! Approach!” He’d tense as if about to spring, then stall out and let her float away. He’d then turn to me and say, “She was too far away!” or “She was too young for me!” or “Come on, man, that girl? She was ugly!” or “She was working at that store, I didn’t want to bother her!” or “She was on her phone!” The list goes on. Here’s the thing… some of their excuses (not all of them) were actually legitimate - for instance, one guy pointed out, “She was with an enormous, scary-looking dude!” But even then, it’s wrong to believe that the excuse was the only reason he didn’t approach. It was just the legitimate reason, the cover story. Hiding behind it was my boy’s approach anxiety, using the excuse as a “tree disguise” to sneak in and affect his behavior. On some level, we know this, but it’s easier and more comforting to just pretend “it’s a tree” - to point to our legitimate excuse and ignore the role that approach anxiety played in our failure to approach.

The moral of this story is simple: approach. Unless it’s going to actually hurt you (or someone you know) physically, professionally, etc, go for the approach. Any excuses, other than the most dire ones, are “tree disguises.” Don’t let your approach anxiety slip past and get the drop on you.

Word.

Anyway, that’s it for today. Enjoy the holidays, be safe, and remember - use mistletoe responsibly.

Cheers,
Clark

Oh snap, Clark in the heezy! I just finished a huge batch of work that took up a lot of my time these last few weeks - I feel like I just took off a backpack full of anvils, and it feels mm-mm good. Just popping in for a second to share a quick e-mail I shot to a buddy of mine. We met these two lingerie models last weekend at a show they were working, enjoyed some good conversation, and got their numbers.* My girl was a bit more outgoing and social than his, so I’ve been having an easier time texting, setting up the meet-up, etc. He asked for my thoughts on how to proceed with texting (we’re all about texting at theApproach; it hands-down beats calling right away, for like a zillion reasons). This is what I wrote back:

As for your sitch… hm. I know what Sebastian would say in this situation… although maybe there’s some of my own spin in there, dunno. Take it with a grain of salt, but anyway:

Send her occasional “no response required” texts basically giving her whimsical updates on your awesome life. “just saw spider fighting wasp in middle of its web, crazy discovery channel shit” or “hot cocoa greatest invention of all time thank u swiss miss” or whatever. Just to keep you in her thoughts in a fun, non-needy way until it’s time to strike (hell, mass text these to a bunch of girls - get some mileage out of them). When you have something awesome to do (preferably sooner rather than later, of course), invite her along, like: “friend hosting wine and games. most expensive board game in world must b good. he said i need a smart partner, thought of u.” When I feel like I’ve actually lost it with a girl these days, I just hold off on texting until I have something super awesome to do, then invite… it’s already brought a few back from the brink for me.

Looking forward to your glorious return to Boston. See you soon homie.

This gives some insight into Sebastian’s ideas on texting, which I’ll be posting more about in the future. Real quick, let’s briefly note a couple things.

The “whimsical update” texts (my moronic term, please don’t blame Sebastian for that) don’t require or even really invite a response. If she wants to reply, she absolutely can, but there’s no pressure or expectation that she will. If she doesn’t, it doesn’t hurt you. This type of text is money. If there are a few women that you want to share your “whimsical updates” with, well… the “mass text” feature is a beautiful thing. S’all I’m saying.

Of course, it can’t be all “ooh spider vs. wasp” and “yum hot cocoa” nonsense all the time. Eventually you do have to… gulp… actually invite her to come do something. But even then, avoid asking questions and demanding responses if you can, at least on the initial text. Once you guys are texting back and forth or talking on the phone, feel free to ask questions and do whatever you’d do in a normal conversation.

Keep your texts short when you can. The examples I whipped up in the e-mail are probably at the long end of “acceptable.” Abbreviate when it actually saves you time. Don’t worry much about punctuation and neatness. In fact, a text that looks like it went through a professional editing process comes off as a bit try-hard and weird.

*Not something that would have happened to me just a few months ago, when my social skills were fine but unspectacular - certainly not a few years ago, when girls truly scared the crap out of me. I wish I could send a telegram back through time and tell my college-freshman self that everything’s going to be ok. Kinda reminds me of this badass old milk commercial. “Hi Clark… I’m waiting.” Heh.

Hey guys, today we’re gonna cover my lesson with Sebastian on keeping conversations flowing on good topics. This one was really cool. I’m super-busy for the next few days and have to keep this post short, but I’ve got a lot more to share with you guys that this entry doesn’t cover. That includes more lessons with Sebastian, as well as some crazy nights I’ve had out in the bars and clubs. Keep an eye out over the next week or so.

Lesson with Sebastian Drake: Threadcutting

Threadcutting

Threadcutting is the technique of taking one word or theme from a sentence and spinning it into a new, situationally relevant conversational thread. Once you lock this down, you’ll never find yourself “stranded” in conversation, even if you’re feeling out of state. Threadcutting lets you continue a conversation even with someone who’s not giving you much to work with. To show this, let’s look at a sample sentence. Imagine you ask a woman, “So, what did you do today?” and she responds with:

“I had a low-key day - I chilled out, watched some TV, and had a beer.”

That is some weak sauce, man. Not much to work with at all. But we can use threadcutting to make something out of it and keep the conversation flowing.

Threadcutting with Words

Ok, let’s pull all the significant words out of that sentence.

• Low-key
• Day
• Chilled
• TV
• Beer

For threadcutting, all you do is pick one of those words and use it to form a new sentence that kicks off a new thread of conversation. It can be on a similar topic or a completely different one; for whatever reason, using a word from the original sentence as a jump-off makes the second sentence seem sitrel, no matter what it’s about. For example:

Low-key: “Aw man, I wanted to have a low-key evening last night, but my friends dragged me out to a bar - fun times, though.”

Beer: “Yeah? The weirdest thing with beer - my parents were so anti-drinking when I was a teenager, but last night I was talking to my dad and I mentioned I was having a little trouble sleeping, and he told me to just down a beer before bed. So weird to hear that from my Dad, but I gave it a try and I slept like a log.”

Threadcutting with Themes

You can do the exact same thing by pulling out themes from a sentence, instead of words, and using those to start new threads. From the same sentence, “I had a low-key day - I chilled out, watched some TV, and had a beer,” we can get these themes:

• Relaxation
• Entertainment
• “Mind rot” entertainment
• Alcohol
• Intoxicants
• The media
• Stress-free experiences
• Food and drink

This works just the way it does when you threadcut using words. Examples:

Entertainment: “Yeah, TV’s great when I’m in need of some entertainment. I actually saw this great play the other day - it was so fun and entertaining, even though I’m not usually a theater person.”

Alcohol: “Wow, it’s been a while since I had a drink. I stopped drinking a few weeks ago, just to see temporarily what it’s like to go out at night without the social lubricant. Such a weird experience at first, but I’m really starting to like it.”

Tips on Threadcutting

Don’t be stilted in your language or long-winded. You’re not giving a speech; you’re just chatting.

Don’t try to be super-clever. This is the main mistake that smart people make with this, according to Sebastian. Don’t bother trying for “daredevil threadcuts” where you flip the meanings of words or whatever. “I had a fantastic day.” “Well, I saw the ‘Fantastic Four’ movie.” That doesn’t really work; don’t do that.

Pulling out every word or theme of a sentence was just for the sake of explaining the concept. You don’t need to do that in conversation. You only need to pull one thing from a sentence to threadcut - one word or one theme - so there’s no need to concentrate or analyze or do anything weird during conversation. Threadcutting is fairly easy.

Use of Threadcutting

Get the idea down, drill it a little (see below), and that alone will boost your conversational abilities overall. You’ll be caught less often with nothing to say - instead, you’ll instinctively pull one thing out of her last sentence and spin it into a new thread.

You don’t need to threadcut from every sentence. That’s not how normal conversations go – hopping constantly from thread to thread. When a conversational thread is going well, there’s no need to cut away from it. Just converse.

You only bring threadcutting to the conscious level when you want to slide away from a stale, boring, or otherwise undesirable topic. Threadcut until you find a conversational “oasis,” a topic that’s enjoyable and engaging, somewhere you want to stay awhile. Chill in the oasis and chat normally, until you get the feeling that the topic is going to go stale. Don’t wait until it does stale and the conversation dips into a low point - threadcut away first. And onward to the next oasis.

Drilling Threadcutting

Practice threadcutting a little bit before taking it “into the field.” To use Sebastian’s analogy, don’t wait until the battle to fire a gun for the first time. One way to practice is to threadcut during conversations with people that you don’t really need to threadcut with, people you’re already very friendly and comfortable with.

Another way to practice threadcutting is to drill with a partner. Trade sentences with your partner, threadcutting back and forth. Don’t ask questions; only make statements. You can also do this with more than two people, going in a circle.

Try threadcutting out and see what it does for you. I’ve been having a lot of fun with this stuff.

Cheers,
Clark

Hey guys. Welcome back to my little corner of theApproach. We’re going to continue with Sebastian’s method of behavior modification, which he’s teaching me in several installments. After that, I’m going to share some thoughts from a recent night out socializing that didn’t go so well for me. I think it’s important to share my speed bumps and hang-ups with you guys, not just my successes. This stuff ain’t easy, and I don’t want to gloss over that. But from a certain perspective, even rough nights are valuable, positive experiences that we can feel good about. Kumbaya, y’all.

Lesson 9 with Sebastian Drake: Behavior Modification – Screening Questions

In the last lesson, Sebastian went over screening statements. This time, he taught me a subtler tool: screening questions. Just like screening statements, these can be used as the first step in Sebastian’s “intention mapping” method of behavior modification.

The Two Competing Purposes of Screening

There are two competing purposes of screening: finding out what a person is actually like, and modifying the person’s behavior to better reflect what you like. When screening someone, you have to decide which purpose you care about more, because dialing up one necessarily dials back the other.

Weighted Questions for Behavior Modification; Unweighted for Neutral Assessment

When you weight a screening question, you deliberately encourage one response and discourage the other. The more you weight a screening question, the more it operates to modify behavior. A completely unweighted question wouldn’t modify behavior at all – it would just reveal how someone actually is.

Here’s an example of a relatively unweighted question: “On a Sunday night, are you more likely to stay in and relax or go out and party?” Neither choice is deliberately made more appealing than the other.

Here are some weighted versions of the same question.

“On a Sunday night, are you more the type to stay in, relax, and enjoy yourself, or do you have to get out again no matter what?” This question is weighted in favor of staying in; it frames staying in as pleasant and going out as irritating, maybe even a sign of insecurity. A person answering this question will probably go with the “staying in” response. There, you just encouraged her to say that she has the trait you want – the first step in Sebastian’s intention map.

“On a Sunday night, are you more the type to just stay in and… not do much, or are you more the type to head out again for another good time with friends?” This question offers the same choice but is weighted in favor of going out. Dig?

Whether you should weight a screening question or not depends on your intention. If you want to meet a woman who already actively possesses the traits you like, then ask unweighted questions. If you’ve already decided that you’re going to pursue a woman – if, say, she’s ridiculously hot, or if she possesses some traits that you really value but lacks other important ones – then ask weighted questions and draw out the qualities in her that you like.

Phrasing Your Screening Question

Here are several formats for screening questions:

-Are you more X or Y? (this is the format used in the examples above)

-I like X. Are you X? (this is naturally weighted)

-I like X. Do you consider yourself to be X? (a variation on the above, good for subjective traits like spontaneity, independence, loyalty, etc)

-I don’t like Y. You’re not Y, right? (slightly more hardcore)

-I need X in the people in my life. Are you X? (extremely weighted)

If you’re going to weight a question, don’t half-ass it. Put some friggin’ mustard on it! Go to extremes – frame your desired trait as wonderful and the opposing trait as god-awful. Initially, my weighted questions were wimpy, like (to emphasize spontaneity over structure) “Would you say that you’re more into being spontaneous and doing fun things on the fly, or are you more into planning a little more before you make decisions?” That’s barely weighted at all. Better would be, “Are you into being fun and spontaneous, going where the moment takes you and having adventures, or are you into, like, sitting and thinking and planning for an hour before you do anything?”

If you ask someone a screening question in the “Are you more X or Y?” format, it shouldn’t be possible to answer, “Both.” That’s no good. Phrase it to force a choice. Phrasing X and Y as distant extremes, like we just talked about, should do the trick.

Don’t be too wordy. Usually this happens because you’re a little nervous about throwing out a harsh screening question and are dancing around your points, but you have to just man up and do it. Learn to laugh at the tension, and the interaction will go better for you and her both. Be fairly concise, so that each word you use has significance.

Be sitrel with your screening questions. Sebastian is going to teach me how in some future lesson. In the meantime, he said, it’s fine for me to just drop them into the conversation with an un-sitrel thud. So maybe I get blown out, no biggie. One somewhat better way to do it is to build a context into the screening question. Bring up a short story or conversational thread about something that happened to you recently (recent events are automatically sitrel, Sebastian says), and use that to lead into the screening question. Here’s an example: “Yikes… I just watched a friend of mine get out of a relationship with a super clingy girl. What a slow motion trainwreck… wait, that’s not you, right?”

Rewarding Someone for Passing Your Screen

“That’s cool, you do seem (positive trait). I like that.”

“… I dig that.”

“… I approve.” (with a big smile)

So there you have it – screening questions. Use your new powers wisely.

Sebastian gave me a mission as follow-up for this lesson: screen the crap out of people, to the point of triggering responses nearing auto-rejection.* Examples: “Wow, you ask a lot of questions,” or “You’re picky, huh?” Sebastian asked me to get three near-auto-rejects. Give this a try if you like; it’s interesting to see how much it takes to trigger this response.

“Bleh” Nights and Crappy Nights

Friday night, I went with some friends to a popular bar and dance club. The night was… ok. It wasn’t particularly awful, and I actually had some tangible success, but things never really clicked. I’m sure you’ve had nights like that, nights that are just “bleh.” I definitely have these now and then, and worse, I have absolutely crappy nights sometimes.

The thing is, I try to see those nights as their own kind of victory. There’s a victory in hanging in there, putting in the time so that my unconscious social calibration can improve. There’s a victory in making the best of these difficult nights and going home with a smile on my face. There’s a victory in learning lessons that will benefit my social skills down the line. If I can truly adopt this mindset, then the prospect of a “bleh” night – or even a crappy night – can’t scare me away from going out and socializing. I can welcome whatever the night brings, because I know that victory lies ahead no matter what.

Ajahn Brahmavamso, the abbot of a Buddhist monastery in Australia, said something wonderful in a talk he gave on meditation. He said:

The first meditation teacher I had told me something which then sounded quite strange. He said that there is no such thing as a bad meditation! He was right. All those meditations which you called bad, frustrating and not meeting your expectations, all those meditations are where you do the hard work for your “pay cheque.”

…

It is like a person who goes to work all day Monday and gets no money at the end of the day. “What am I doing this for?” he thinks. He works all day Tuesday and still gets nothing. Another bad day. All day Wednesday, all day Thursday, and still nothing to show for all the hard work. That’s four bad days in a row. Then along comes Friday, he does exactly the same work as before and at the end of the day the boss gives him a pay cheque. “Wow! Why can’t every day be a pay-day?!”

…

It is in the difficult meditations that you build up your credit, you build up the causes for success… Then when there’s enough credit of good qualities, the mind goes into a good meditation and it feels like “pay-day”. It is in the bad meditations that you do the work.

Anyway, you get the idea. “Bleh” nights, crappy nights, it’s all good. Now let’s see if I can’t review the rough patches of the night and squeeze some value out of them.

Ok, thinking back, here’s the main problem I had Friday night: I was radiating high status to the women around me, but I didn’t own it and that came through in my interactions. I didn’t truly believe, in my gut, that I was on the level of the gorgeous women around me. Intellectually, I knew that I had what it takes – hell, I’ve had great interactions with beautiful women before – but emotionally I just wasn’t in that place.

I definitely came packing my passive value that night. I’m not a super-hot model dude, but I clean up well, and I was dressed fly and groomed well. I also rocked the powerful body language Sebastian taught me. I could feel that super-saiyan aura of social power as I moved through the bar. Women were giving me glances and lingering looks, and when I waded through the dance floor to reach the coat check, several women did that thing where they sorta half-turn toward you and dance “at you” instead of getting out of your way.

But here’s the thing: I may have felt like a mack when walking around – making smoldering eye contact, getting girls to turn toward me and smile as I walked by – but when it came time to actually approach, I turned into a plate of jiggly flan. I was scared. I felt as if, as soon as I opened my mouth, the illusion would shatter and they’d realize that I wasn’t one of them, that I didn’t belong. They’d see right through my clothes and my body language, and they’d realize what I really was: a chode in a cool-guy suit, playing way out of my depth. I didn’t consciously think this, but it was how I felt in the pit of my stomach as I approached or even thought about approaching.

Of course, since that’s how I felt, that’s exactly how I came off. Women were receptive when I approached, but I quickly burned through whatever initial goodwill I’d earned with my appearance and body language. Boring conversation, a lack of dominance, no self-assurance in my voice – I can’t pinpoint all the specifics, but it was just an overall wimp vibe and lack of confidence. Don’t get the wrong idea – I wasn’t absolutely terrible. I was certainly better than I’d been in my old days of social mediocrity, maybe even more attractive than most of the guys that had talked to them that night. My rough nights now are better than my rough nights once upon a time. Still, it wasn’t a great night.

So what do I do about this? Well, there are a few things I can think of.

I should review my lesson with Sebastian about beliefs and reinforce to myself that I am high-status. I truly am, so this isn’t something I have to trick myself into believing. I just need to recognize it and really own it.

I should take away a lesson about the importance of command presence – there was a slight meekness and timidity to my approaches, and if I’d remembered to “approach like she dropped her wallet,” I would have done much better. Even if I’m not really feeling confident and assertive at first, I should “fake it til I make it,” and eventually I’ll shift into the right mindset.

I should care less about the outcomes of my interactions, be less attached to success and focus more on just enjoying the process. Usually I’m pretty good with this, but it was an off night – fair enough. To prevent this in future, I could start my night off with a bunch of friendly “warm-up” interactions, saying hi and chatting with people with no expectations whatsoever (although, ideally, I should never have set expectations).

Above all, I think I have to just shrug it off and keep getting out there. I can do all the things I mentioned above, but I’ll still have off nights once in a while, and I doubt that’s going to change. The best solution I have is to just keep at it, and to not let them faze me or discourage me from going out and socializing.

Also, I don’t want to exaggerate the bad aspects of the night. Some good stuff happened too, and I should give those things their due. In no particular order:

I rolled up on a cute girl on the dance floor without hesitation and started dancing with her, which is something I’m usually pretty scared to do. In the few times I tried this back in the old days, my nervousness would usually come through as awkwardness or creepiness, and the poor girl would dance away or signal her friends to save her (totally understandable). Not this time. For whatever reason, I felt confident and fearless in that moment, and she opened right up and started dancing with me.

I had a good time with my friends. Actually, if I’d focused more on just enjoying myself with my buddies, I’d probably have been more successful with women that night. But I did have a good time, and that’s something.

I screened my friggin’ face off, just like Sebastian asked me to. I’m embarrassed to say that I failed to get three near-auto-rejects (I only got one, but it was priceless: “What is this, Match.com?”), but not for lack of trying. I guess people are just cool with a ton of screening. I suppose I could have gotten ridiculous with it, just firing off screening question after screening question, without taking a breath, to the point of serious social impropriety – maybe it’s my bad for not doing that. I did screen a lot with almost everyone I talked to, though.

Anyway, there you have it. A bumpy night for Clarkles. No biggie – it had its good moments, I hopefully learned something from it, and my social calibration is that much better for having been through it. I guess it can’t be all Playboy bunnies and reality TV starlets 24/7.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers,
Clark

*Auto-Rejection: A person’s response to something they believe to be truly unattainable is usually one of auto-rejection, the rationalization that the thing they can’t have is undesirable anyway. Think of the fable of the Fox and the Grapes. The fox can’t reach the high-hanging bunch of grapes, no matter how hard he tries. After trying and failing for some time, he walks off, telling himself that they’re probably sour anyway.