I came across structured natural game and was really intrigued. What is your approach on the dating aspect?

-Derrick, San Francisco, CA

A few key things for dating:

First, remember that memory isn’t linear - you get to know a person better not by spending more time with them doing the same things, but by having new experiences with them. What that means, is you’ll want to do multiple activities each time you hang out with a girl.

Now remember, you want to build VAC at all times: Value, Attainability, and Compliance. If she’s coming out with you, your value and attainability are usually in decent shape, and so let’s start by building compliance - A good one is inviting her to run errands with you, and we’ll go grab tea afterwards.

Three Rules of Dating: Cheap, Convenient, Conversation. You want your dates to be -
Cheap: Inexpensive dates are lower pressure, and force you to be more creative and have more fun. There won’t be pressure about who pays: If you want her to pay for dates, it’s easier to start smaller.

Convenient: For you, that is.
Conversation: The date should be conducive to conversation. Dates that give you things to talk about - museums, galleries, windowshopping - are a bonus, but at least make sure it isn’t a conversation-stifler (like a dinner date where you directly face each other the whole time, or a movie theater).

Good dates include checking out touristy stuff (even in your home city), windowshopping, museums, rollerskating or iceskating, taking a walk through a cool area, having her tag along on errands with you, going to a tasting, or any number of free events throughout your city, to taste.

On dates, make sure to hit up as many different locations as possible: Move around to different locations. A great way to transition:

“Are you hungry?”

If she says no, “That’s okay, you can watch me eat.”

Keep playing,
Sebastian

I have a simple rule with my girl:

“You’re always right, but we’re going to do it my way anyway.”

It’s a cute technique that satisfies her in a number of ways. You’re not saying
she’s wrong. You remain dominant, decisive and in control. And on the rare chance
that she actually is right, you can save face by laughing it off with a “Baby haha,
you actually WERE right. You’re so smart…” and give her a kiss.

A President should respect the counsel and advice of his Vice President, but
ultimately he must make his decision and move.

Judd

When a woman asks you a boring question, and you answer without following up, you’re going to prompt more interrogation on the subject.

Classical examples:

“What do you do?”
“How old are you?”
“Where are you from?”
“How long have you been living here?”

And so on. Most men, after answering a question like this, just stop and let the woman say the next thing - this vibes that you’re waiting to see if she approves. Instead, the answer is to follow up right after you answer.

“I work for a marketing firm. What do you do?”

“I’m 28. How old are you?”

And so on - you answer normally, don’t rush your followup. But do ask her back after your answer - this shows that you’re not looking for approval, just stating a fact, and seeing if she’s compatible with you - instead of trying to impress her. This becomes especially important when it’s something that there’d be a gap between you about.

If there is a difference between you two, and you like her, let her know so after she answers you.

THE WRONG WAY:

Her: “How old are you?”

You: “28.”

Her: “Oh, you looked younger than that…”

THE RIGHT WAY:

Her: “How old are you?”

You: “I’m 28. How old are you?”

Her: “21.”

You: “Ah, really? You carry yourself so well for your age.”

Keep it real.

Sebastian
–
theApproach: The Science of Social Chemistry for the Modern Gentleman

Precedence is of the utmost importance. Once someone says they like
or don’t like something, it establishes that preference
semi-permanently and it’s hard to make people change. People don’t
want to seem silly, whimsical, or inconsistent - and many people
are just downright stubborn.

So, if you’ve got a girlfriend that you want to do high level stuff
with, like say, share another girl with her, you don’t want her to
say “no! never!” the first time you bring it up - This is a mistake.

Worse still, the natural inclination for many men is to argue, making
her affirm, “no! never!” repeatedly - and crippling the chances of
opening a new, open-minded facet of your relationship.

Want a great technique to turn it around?

When she starts to say, “no! never!” to say, being with another
girl, you say, “Don’t say no, say maybe.” She might protest again.
Stay strong and calm. “Don’t say no, say maybe.” And if necessary,
“Hey - just say maybe, ok?” Persist until you get that “maybe” - and
the door swings WIDE open. Just even considering the possibility of
being with another girl is HUGE here.

Once she says “maybe”, reward her with a light touch, or little bit
of affection, and cut the thread and chat about something else.

Sebastian

When you hit a block in the road, what do you look for first - a strategy, or a technique?

A strategy is a way of resolving the underlying situation, a plan for what you’re trying to accomplish.

A technique is a single, specific way of dealing with the situation.

Both have their place - techniques can be good if:

(1) You need more experience in the situation so you can better understand the underlying interaction and communication.

(2) You’re experimenting with different ways of acting that don’t come naturally to you.

(3) You want to resolve a minor but frustrating point, like what to do when she’s very insistent you buy her a drink.

Strategies are good if:

(1) You have a lot of techniques, but they don’t come together cohesively.

(2) You’ve had some success, but want to transition to being “automatic” - doing the right things even in new situations.

(3) You have a major sticking point that you haven’t been able to resolve.

Here’s an example of a tactic:

—————
10 second tip: When you’re having a new girl over to your place, as soon as you walk inside, take off your shoes and say “Shoes off” -

Many people follow this practice anyway for a variety of reasons, and it’s not uncommon in most places. Having girls take their shoes off means they’ll be more comfortable in your home, they’ll have a precedence of having taken off even that small article of clothing, and will also vibe “I’ll probably be staying a little while”.
—————

The technique is to have her take her shoes off at the door. The strategy is to make people comfortable at your place and build a good precedence going forwards.

The technique by itself is useful and cool - it’ll help a lot if you say “shoes off” and take yours off every time you enter your place with a girl.

Understanding the strategy will help you find ways you can mix and match tactics to get results.

Example of a tactic, “Statement-Based Screening”:
————–
Screening is, in short, a good thing. But a lot of times, guys have
a hard time making screening questions Situationally Relevant. They
aren’t able to create the context necessary to screen.

What you can do in place of screening questions is use
statement-based screening. It’s screening in a way that doesn’t ask
her if she meets your standards, but instead puts your standards
out there and offers her the opportunity to show she meets them.
This begins to work once you’ve base compliance and she’s started
to initially get attracted to you.

What you do, quite simply, is put out a statement as to what you
like or don’t like. If the girl likes you, she’ll want to show she
meets that standard.

Example:

Screening question: “Can you cook?”
Screening statement: “I like girls that can cook.”

This also has great application for screening in response to a
story she had, where a question might be very verbose.

For instance, a great thing to screen women on is having female
friends in addition to male friends. Trust me on this one, you
don’t want a girlfriend that can’t get along with other girls.

So if the girl is talking about how she doesn’t like most girls and
doesn’t get along with them, you can drop a screening statement: “I
hear you, girls can be tough. I think it’s really important to have
friends that are guys and girls though.” -> This is almost
guaranteed to get her backpedalling and trying to impress upon and
to you that she has female friends too.
————–

One tactic there - making statements that solicit her to say she’s that type. Two examples of that tactic.

The strategy is this: You’re establish yourself as a high value guy with standards that women need to work for, and putting your standards forth in a subtle way.

Continuing:
————–
Now, realize one last cool piece of the puzzle. Girls - especially
very beautiful girls with great social skills - often use
screening-based statements on men. They’ll mention in passing that
they value something or other, and most men will jump to say
they’re that.

Instead, a good answer is to just smile and agree with her, perhaps
saying the word, “Cool.”

Examples:

Girl: “I really think what car a guy drives says a lot about him.”
You: “Cool.”

Girl: “I expect my boyfriends to take me out to really nice places.”
You: “Cool.”

It dismisses the screen from her without being combative. You
smile, and say something like, “Cool.” Very high value stuff.
————–

The tactic: When given a screening statement by a woman, recognize it, smile, and dismiss it.

The strategy: Don’t compete for a woman’s attention or try to fit yourself into the idea she has of what she wants. Differentiate yourself by not competing - which suggests you’re so good you don’t have to prove yourself.

Tactics and strategies both are very valuable. Spend the time getting educated about both and you’ll be on an excellent path.

Sebastian

Hi Gentlemen -

It’s been an incredible last two years, and we’d like to thank each
and every one of you - men who’ve trained with us, who’ve purchased
our products, read our blog, and enjoyed our ecourse - without you,
we couldn’t have made it happen. Thanks for enjoying and spreading
the word.

In the last two years, we’ve grown immensely. At the time of the
site renovation and curriculum standardization two years ago, we’ve
updated the training curriculum six times and haven’t increased our
prices once. Back then, we were one of the most expensive companies
in the training industry.

Lately, demand has been crazy, and our prices are now among the less
expensive programs as others have raised theirs two or three times.
To preserve our level of quality and bring the best to our clients,
we will be raising our prices on almost all theApproach products in
the next three days to week.

We’ve integrated new content once again, to bring the latest in
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social skills and social life. We’ve managed to integrate concepts
that are useful in business and negotiating without sacrificing
from our dating curriculum, and now look forward to offering social
skills for men who want to create win/win style social interactions.

The new content, which covers social skills, relationships, more
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game issues is also combined with skills to increase your ability
to create a cohesive image of yourself using storytelling, techniques
to manage conversation and keep it flowing indefinitely, and some of
the newest, most cutting edge drills, practices, and missions.

The new curriculum is now available, but we wanted to offer clients
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New programs are scheduled in New York, Los Angeles, Boston, Chicago,
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We’ve also updated theApproach Standard, which provides information
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You can place a deposit now to get our current rates along with our
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helping us build theApproach into a company that prides itself on
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men like yourself realize their social dreams.

–

Now, for a story:

Tonight, I brought one of my girlfriends out with one of an upcoming
young intern and friend of mine - I want to set him up with one of
my girl’s friends.

We had a nice tea together, and on the way back, we got into a
discussion about how we met. She told me that she frequently gets
guys doing something very similar to what I did when they meet her -
coming up to her and speaking to her in Japanese.

I encouraged her to continue.

She said they normally come up and say konnichiwa and start talking
to her - she said she’ll go to coffee with them if they’re cute, but
she sets her phone on silent as soon as she has a chance, and when
the guy asks for her number, she says, “I don’t have my phone on me,
and don’t remember my number. I can take yours.”

I ask, “And then you call them?”

Her: “No, never.”

“Oh, really? What made me different?”

“I guess I drove you… then it’s normal to switch numbers.”

See, when I met her, she mentioned that she has a car that I truly
love - a BMW 3-Series, which is really just a fun car to drive. I
said, “Oh yeah? I’m meeting a friend for dinner in the Financial
District at 5, care to give me a lift?”

She did so. The next meeting, she came out with me and had Thai food
with me, her friend, and Arnold, one of the top ranked instructors
at theApproach. That night, we took to bed together.

But why did I even get her number, let alone go down that path?

The answer is that I got COMPLIANCE - she tells me stories of guys
who buy her small presents immediately after meeting her, or a coffee,
or lunch or dessert.

Instead, she drove me to where I was heading.

And here’s the funny thing - People like to believe that they’re in
the right, and that every decision they make is sound. So regardless
of what they do, they’ll rationalize afterwards that it was a good
decision.

This is the foundation of what we call “The Cost/Worth Conception” -
People think things are worth what they cost. If you’ve ever had a
friend buy a car he couldn’t afford, or a bigscreen TV, you know what
I’m talking about. Maybe you looked at him like he’s crazy, and he
says, “No way man, this is the plasma Trinitron! This is the best TV
ever made, man!”

Same with girls - they’re almost NEVER asked by men to do any work.
So if you ask in a relevant way and she does it, she says, “Whoa!
Why did I do that…? I must… really like him.”

If you get a girl to put in enough work, she’ll always rationalize
that she’s doing it because you’re worth it. In short, “I’m working
for this guy, so he must be an awesome guy.” And maybe the best part
is that after she puts in some real work to impress you and make your
life better, it’s no big deal at all to get her number.

In fact, you can even make it a reward for her:

“Hey, thanks for the ride, what a nice car… here, I know this great
out of the way teahouse, we’ll go get some jasmine tea sometime.”

Her: “Okay.”

Me: “Cool, do you have a cell phone?”

Her: “Yes.”

Jackpot.

Get those girls workin’ - they’ll rationalize that you’re worth it.
The best work to get is work that benefits your life - and the crazy
thing is, women really do enjoy putting effort towards helping a
quality guy build his lifestyle.

Keep playin’,

Sebastian

Rate and program changes go into effect in a few days. More info
on how theApproach programs are designed to train gentlemen in a wide
range of flexible social skills in a win/win style of socializing:

http://www.theapproach.com/p_theApproach_standard.php

See available dates, and place a deposit here at our 2005 rates,
before any increases or changes:

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Thanks for reading and choosing theApproach! We appreciate your time,
and look forward to serving you!

10 second tip: When you’re having a new girl over to your place, as
soon as you walk inside, take off your shoes and say “Shoes off” -

Many people follow this practice anyway for a variety of reasons,
and it’s not uncommon in most places. Having girls take their shoes
off means they’ll be more comfortable in your home, they’ll have a
precedence of having taken off even that small article of clothing,
and will also vibe “I’ll probably be staying a little while”.

Keep playin’,

Sebastian

Context is one of the most crucial elements that determines how your
interactions go when you approach a woman. People have “knee-jerk”
reactions all the time, where they act automatically to something
they’ve seen before.

We can use this to our advantage. Basically, you want women you
approach to associate with you a kind of guy they’re used to talking
to, having a nice time with, and getting to know more.

Here’s some tips on that score:

1) First, your “Nonverbal Image” is crucial. It’s what determines
if a woman will talk to you or like you before you even open your
mouth. Style of dress plays a significant factor in this, but the
biggest factor - your bodylanguage - is under your own control.

Remember this: Back and broad, out, in, up, breathe.

That stands for:

Shoulders back and broad
Chest out
Stomach in
Chin up ABOVE parallel to the ground (so your nose is in the air)
And take a deep breath to relax after setting your bodylanguage

Back and broad, out, in, up, breathe. Then smile - with teeth.

2) Fluidity in Motion: Slow every movement you make down. You want
to move in almost “slow motion” to people around you. In a world
where everyone’s hurrying, the person moving smoothly and slowly
gets noticed as calm and in control of himself.

3) Eye Contact: I heard an excellent tip from a former student.
“Right eye to right eye” - look from your right eye to their right
eye. It’s just the right amount of eye contact when first meeting
someone.

Yesterday, I sent out a message with a link to an article in the
Washington Post called “Pearls Before Breakfast”. It’s about how one
of the finest violinists in classical music put on street clothes
and played in a Washington, D.C. subway station during the busy
morning rush - and only two people out of a thousand stopped.

The article took a tone that looked down on our modern society and
culture. While it’s definitely true that we’re far too busy to enjoy
some of the simpler joys of life, what it really speaks to is that
people make split-second decisions about everyone they meet.

In this case, *no one* is expecting an elite violinist to be wearing
a baseball cap and playing at a commuter station in Washington, D.C.
So people don’t ever give the violinist a chance.

Same with you - you want to emanate “cool, successful guy I want to
get to know” before you even start talking.

There’s a couple other lessons to learn from this too.

*Not everyone you meet is going to like you: And that is absolutely
no reflection on you at all. Some percent of women you approach are
going to be lost in their own thoughts, having a bad day, or
something along those lines. Don’t sweat it - realize that there’s
4 billion women in the world, and you only need a handful that you
get along with to have a very fulfilling romantic and social life.

One of the biggest sticking points young guys coming into the social
arts have is that they want everyone they meet to like them. They
have goals like, “I want to be able to take any woman I see,
whenever I want.” That’s a fine lofty aspiration, but lots of times,
guys get let down when even one woman doesn’t get along well with
them.

Don’t let it phase you! One of the best violinists of our era just
has over a thousand people walk past him playing without stopping
for a moment. It happens - but two people recognized his music. One
knew him, and the other recognized it was really good music. That’s
all you need for a successful romantic life. For perspective,
consider this: I taught a bootcamp last weekend in Boston. I talked
to probably 40-70 women across the three days. I got one number from
a club dancer - just one number all weekend. She and I spent the
night together a few days later. After the program on Sunday, I met
a cute girl from out of town shopping. I showed her around some, and
she came back and spent the night with me. That’s two new, beautiful
girls in five days, but only a 2/70 close rate. 1/35 - 1/35 will
be an absolutely magical social life but that’s still 34/35 you’re
not getting with. Don’t sweat it - keep getting out there!

And if you didn’t read “Pearls Before Breakfast”, you can check it
out in the Washington Post here:

“Pearls Before Breakfast”

It’s worth the read. Happy Easter to those that celebrate it, and
best wishes.

Sebastian

If you’re ever in the Sichuan Province of the People’s Republic of
China, it’s worth a visit to the Cafe Milan in Chengdu. The place is
absolutely beautifully decorated, and the live piano, flute, and
violin at times can be moving and breathtaking.

It was there that I began to fall in love with classical music.
Still I am no expert, but my girlfriend of the time - a beautiful
and cultured editor of a high fashion magazine - took me to this
oh-so wonderful place, where time seemed to melt away.

The thing that I never thought about Milan - and how moving it could
be at times - was the context. Not only was the music quite good -
but the decor was amazing, with wonderful marble, lighting, glass,
and a touch of gold. The servers were dressed impeccably, and always
warm-eyed. The seats and tables somehow managed to be extremely
formal and extremely comfortable at the same time. It was the kind
of place where a Western would naturally feel underdressed, though
being underdressed in Chengdu isn’t particularly easy to accomplish.

But would the music have been as sweet elsewhere? It’s a question we
could debate and ponder and think about - but it turns out that Gene
Weingarten of the Washington Post has done it for us.

The Post asked Joshua Bell, one of the finest violinists in the
world, to play in a Washington, D.C. train station wearing street
clothes and a baseball hat.

The article says it better than I could, but Bell is a master with
his violin, who plays to packed houses anywhere in the world as he
wishes. His time costs about $1,000 *per minute*.

And as he sat and played for 43 minutes on an early winter morning,
1,097 people passed by. Only two stopped for more than a moment.

The article is really illuminating about where Western culture has
gone and how context affects art and human interaction. It’s a long
read, but well-worth it. If you choose to follow the link, at the
very least watch the videos of hundreds walking by as he plays
pieces on his $3.5 million 1713 Stradivarius violin.

Tomorrow, I’ll have a few thoughts on how context applies to your
social life, how you’ll never take the heart of every woman that
sees you regardless of how good you are, but how, despite that - you
can be one of the most successful men in the social arts of all time
if you simply want to - and the difference may be only the context
in which you present that which you already are.

But for now, if you have 10 minutes to read a wonderful piece about
how perhaps we’re missing out on lots of things we should be paying
attention to, here is “Pearls Before Breakfast”, on the Washington
Post’s website:

“Pearls Before Breakfast”, Washington Post Online

Sebastian

The Cherishment Cycle - what happens to everything we own, hold, or control. How to love and continue loving - or to fall quickly out of love.

When we cherish something, we love it, and tend to elevate it over mundane things that we feel ambivalent towards. When you buy a new gadget, article of clothing, CD, or other fragile expensive purchase - and you really love the new item you just got - you will treat it with great care and consideration.

As time passes, one of two things will happen:

*Your love for the item will continue to grow as you treat it with more reverance (like a journal), or, usually

*You will begin to lose the feeling of wonder and awe and the item will become mundane - eventually being treated as other mundane items are.

Take a beautiful jacket. Most men, even men who do not care so much about fashion, will at some point in their life buy a beautiful jacket. It may be a piece of high fashion, it may be a leather jacket, a motorcycling jacket, a sports jacket, it may be just a very warm, well-constructed jacket - but none the less, almost every man will buy a jacket that he loves in his lifetime.

After buying this jacket, he’s likely to treat it better than his other clothing, hanging it carefully and dusting it off ever so precisely after every wear. The man might even choose to wear an older jacket if it’s raining outside, or the elements are otherwise harsh.

But over time, the jacket almost always becomes an “old jacket” - and it is perhaps left on the floor at times, and not thoroughly cleaned off when it becomes dirty, and maybe not even mended when it starts to break.

See, for every item that you cherish, one of two things will happen to it: Your love for it will grow, or it will fade.

Why does this happen, and what does it mean for your lovelife?

First, what it means for your lovelife - when you and a girl start going out, there will be adulation, and adoration, and infatuation, and things will be absolutely wonderful. Over time, either the relationship will grow stronger and you will be more revered and cherished by your woman, or her feelings for you will fade and you will be like an old, once beautiful jacket lying on the floor.

So why does it happen?

The feeling of cherishment is strengthened through two things: Compliance, and Precedence. If you’ve been on our ecourse for any length of time, you know what compliance is - it’s almost any work or effort your woman puts into the interaction or to please you. But if you haven’t read our ebook or attended a course, you may be unfamiliar with how we use the word “precedence”.

“Precedence” is when something gains a default reaction to a certain stimulus. It’s one of only five factors you need to control for success in your social life:

Value, Attainability, Compliance (VAC) to create Attraction.

Attraction + Logistics to have sex.

Setting Precedence for a relationship.

Precedence is when someone gets used to reacting a certain way towards a stimulus. You probably have a default response to how you handle aggressive panhandlers, how you answer the phone when your best friend calls, and what you do on the 25th of December each year.

Precedence is set largely through how you react to certain things. To put it quickly, you want to reward good behavior, and punish bad behavior. When we say “punish”, we don’t mean anything mean or nasty - simply remove yourself, your time, withdraw if you’re being disrespected or treated poorly. That’s one of the largest punishments there is if you’re a high value guy.

If you want to keep your relationships wonderful after the initial spark, you need to get your woman to put work into it, ESPECIALLY when it’s new. If she begins working, it’s like writing in a diary - she’s made an inprint on it, and thus, she’ll treat it even more respectfully and carefully. Consider that you’re more likely to keep treating shoes well if you shine them, and that the only jackets that are treated well after a couple years were either earned or heavily modified by the user. It’s cyclical - putting more work in is being good to the item, which makes you want to be continue to do right by it.

So get her to put in work towards you, so she can feel she made her inprint on you and that you’re hers.

Then make sure she comes to feel this on a subconscious level:

“If I cherish and revere this man, my life will be better.”

And it must be true. Nothing gets our ire like something we invest in turning against us - if we treat something very well, and its value dissolves on us, we feel betrayed and want to stop respecting it, carefully cleaning and placing it.

The fact is, the initial cherishment/appreciate/infatuation will either turn into something greater, or it will fade to discontentment. To elevate it, you must get her to put in significant work, and reward that work heavily to set a positive precededent. A few tips:

*After she does something good for you, reveal more about yourself to her.

*Tell her how much you appreciate things that she does.

*Point out that you like and respect her.

*NEVER tease her for liking you too much, or working too hard (this is a BIG no-no!)

*Reward her with physicality when she says or does something to please you (give her a light touch or kiss)

*Honestly care about her, smile warmly when you see her, and enjoy the time you spend with her when things are good, and…

*Most honestly and crucially, remove yourself or your time from the interaction when things are poor.

If your girl gets the impression, “If I am happy, pleasant, and am meeting my man’s standards, our relationship feels good, gets better, and I’m happy” - you’ll both be in great shape. Your relationship will be like a diary being written in, or a jacket specifically cleaned, re-tailored, and customized every single day. Treat her well when she treats you well, and get her to start treating you well early and often - Cherishment gets deeper or fades. T’is a sad day if you let it fade away, but years of ever-greater magic can be built on the foundation of it.

Best wishes,

Sebastian