Howdy my man -

A lot of men are afraid of being judged. This can really hold
people back: The key is to remember that high value people don’t
worry about people judging them: They work on themselves and are
proud of who they are, then they hold other people to their
standards. Simple by holding others (especially women) to your
standards will make you seem like a high-value, high status
individual.

Today I thought I’d give you an insider’s look into how we refine
what we’re about at theApproach. The following is from an email
dialouge with one of our hotshot, up-and-coming instructors - the
piece is taken from a conversation on putting new drills in place,
and refining the day one curriculum so that - you guessed it - our
students can see their value and what they have to offer while out
in the field… and aren’t afraid of being judged. Enjoy:

“Day 1: Value

The way the curriculum is laid out is to reinforce the value they
inherently have. I want students to go the first night in-field
NEVER doubting that they have something to offer to people. No
fear of being judged. I want them to feel confident in going out,
feeling empowered/transformed in knowing that approaching is not
hard… and they can do it. Inner game. Understanding their own
value needs to be ingrained in them to minimize or completely
eradicate approach anxiety before we even hit the field. Any AA
should stem from slight performance nervousness, not from fearing
being judged. That way, they can focus on a productive focus -
charging the venue, making connections, holding people to their
standards.

This is why I give them time to list six values. After I explain
how the six values they wrote down fall either under universal vs
specific value (and how that affects attraction), I ask them to
tell us one story of something they are proud of. Listening to
each others’ stories also makes them realize how EVERYONE has some
inherent value. The question becomes: have they given a glimpse of
that value to the woman they meet?”

Low status men typically worry about being judged - “Am I good
enough?” High status men know they’re high status, and instead look
to see if other people meet their standards - and when they do,
they reward them by opening up and sharing some things from their
own life. If you’ve got 10 minutes, reflect on what you’re proud of
accomplishing. Don’t talk about those experiences to impress people
- realize you’re high status, and open up as a reward when you meet
women that are up to your standards. Keep playin’,

Sebastian

Refresher:

Attraction is created by having all of,

Value: Something fills a conscious or subconscious need for a person
Attainability: Have a chance to get that value
Compliance: Put work and investment into reaching the value

For getting women,

Value: Traits that are universally valuable, or valuable
specifically to the woman
Attainability: Compatibility, Respect, and Legitimacy
Compliance: Work or effort put into the interaction, to impress or
please you, to handle logistics, or accepting something she doesn’t
necessarily like

Fashion time!

What’s wearing a bunch of gold chains do (assuming they’re not
tacky)?

Think about it -

What’s it do to value?

What’s it do to attainability?

Compliance?

Okay…

Wearing a bunch of gold chains shows you’re indifferent to
arbitrary social pressure, confident, and bold. At the same time,
it shows a nonchalance and playerish attitude.

So for most women, a bunch of gold chains would be:

+V
-A

It would make you more valuable, but make the woman wonder if
you’re the real deal.

WAYS TO GET +VALUE FROM YOUR CLOTHING WITHOUT -ATTAINABILITY:

Coordination
Good Fit
Functional Accessories

Coordination: Do your items match? The easiest to match are your
belt, shoes, and watch. Matching those three will make you look
like you know what you’re doing aesthetically, and make you look
sharper.

Good Fit: Regardless of your body type, you want to wear your
clothes *tight* - if you’re a skinnier guy, you’ll “swim” in excess
material. This can be especially tough for my American gentlemen,
since American clothes are cut large around the middle. Vincent - a
relatively skinny guy - recommends H&M on the low end and Hugo Boss
on the high end for a good fit if you’re on the skinny side. If
you’re a bit heavier like me, excess material makes you look f-a-t.
Go tight, even though it’s counterintuitive, and it’ll actually
thin you out and make you look stronger. For what it’s worth, I’m
around 6′0 and 165 lbs and I wear x-smalls sometimes in American
sizes. Actually, don’t think “tight” - think “sleek”. Then kill the
excess material.

Functional Accessories: You get +V from wearing cool accessories
that set you apart. The thing is, if you wear immense amounts of
rings, bracelets, and necklaces, it can make you seem unattainable
to women. She’ll ask, “Could a girl like me get a guy like him?”
and not be sure of the answer. If she reckons, “No, he’s out of my
league” then - whirr, you’re done.

But you can get all the bonus to value without losing any
attainability points by sharpening way up in what we call the
“functional accessories” - these are the items that people are
expected to wear. These are what you want to snazz up. Look for
especially cool socks, with perhaps an argyle pattern or in baby
blue. Belt, watch, and scarves are also functional accessories.
Winter hats and gloves, too. Points for matching scarves and hats
if you can.

WAYS TO MAKE YOU MORE INTRIGUING AND POTENTIALLY ATTAINABLE TO MORE
WOMEN:

Color
Contrast

Color: If all of your wardrobe are “guy colors” - black, blue,
grey, and brown - start looking for a wider range of colors. Many
men aren’t aware that purple is an extremely masculine color - it’s
represented nobility in the West for centuries now. Most guys look
very good in a light blue as well. If you go a little softer on the
colors, it’ll make you stand out as well as seem more friendly and
approachable.

Contrast: Contrast is excellent because if opens up doors for you.
I strongly recommend really “manly men” types that are into contact
sports, pushing iron, and raising some hell create a contrast by
softening the look up. No more than three years ago, my casual
wardrobe was all construction boots, jeans, sneakers, and jerseys.
The thing is - the kind of women that like manly men will still
like you damn well if you’re wearing a nice wool or silk scarf. On
the flipside, guys that are sensitive and gentle can often do very
well when wearing a sharp power suit or hardening their look up
with a leather jacket. Women that are naturally in tune with your
personality type will still dig you after just a couple moments of
interaction, and women that are attracted to the opposite will
become intrigued and it becomes easier to get in and get a window
of opportunity. There’s something to be said for repping one solid
theme throughout every single thing you do, but if you’re looking
for things to play with - pick up some clothes that contrast your
natural personality, just for fun.

One of the newest theApproach Alumni from last weekend’s Los
Angeles program said it really well: “I don’t buy things that match
my style. I buy things that I want to try out and see if I like.”
Makes sense to me - you’re not marrying your clothes, fella! Mix it
up a little, and keep playin’,

Sebastian

Howdy folks -

We talk lots about compliance here at theApproach - to become
attracted to something, people need to put work or effort into it.
It ties into the Cost/Worth Conception - people think things are
worth what they cost. If you set the price for yourself too low,
women will think you’re not worth anything… if you were,
certainly you’d have higher standards and ask to be treated well, no?

So we talk about and teach how to screen women to see if they’re
the type you want, and how to get them to help you with your goals,
and even to spend some money on you.

The thing is - compliance starts immediately in an interaction. The
lowest levels - her acknowledging and responding to you socializing
- is what we call “base compliance”. These are the small things
that she needs to do for the interaction to get started.

Base compliance is what the girl needs to do in the VERY START of
the interaction for the interaction to begin and for her to want
you there. There’s 5 steps in base compliance:

1. Acknowledgement
2. Listening
3. Answering Questions
4. Responding to Statements
5. Active Contribution

Here’s what the woman has to do:

1. Acknowledgement: She needs to physically acknowledge you - look
in your general direction.

2. Listening: She needs to listen to you, and be able to hear you
as you open and start conversing.

3. Answering Questions: She needs to answer your questions after
and during opening.

4. Responding to Statements: Conversations aren’t interrogations.
After a while, your conversations need to shift into you making
statements, and her responding to those and contributing to the
interaction.

5. Active Contribution: Finally, she needs to help actively
contribute to the interaction by asking you good questions, picking
up where you left off, and helping the interaction move forwards.

A couple quick notes:

So what can you do with this? This is for troubleshooting - EVERY
time you don’t open, you didn’t get one of these levels of base
compliance. You don’t always have to go in order through them, but
every time a girl doesn’t open, one of these steps is where.

If it just happens once, it’s interesting. But if you keep running
into the same problem with opening, you can work on the following
things. Here’s how to troubleshoot base compliance:

1. Acknowledgement: If the girl won’t acknowledge you, you should
look at your nonverbal image projection - the mix of your
bodylanguage, fluidity in motion (being graceful as opposed to
clumsy - which can be learned), walking patterns from both entering
the club (slowly… not scurrying) and approaching the girl (no
hesitation she sees). If your nonverbals are way off, girls can
brush you off before you even go to open. Second, make sure you’re
not opening directly from behind. The side, front, front-side, or
whatever - it doesn’t matter, as long as it’s not directly from
behind. You’ll sometimes get away with opening directly from
behind, but because of the chance to startle the person, open from
the front or side whenever possible.

2. Listening: Listening follows from acknowledgement: Your
nonverbals will be looked at again, and you’ll have to have a
command presence where the woman will listen and respond to you.
Also, you’ll need to be loud enough to be heard in loud nightclubs.

3. Answering Questions: After she’s listening, you’re opening. If
she refuses to answer questions after you open, it’s ALWAYS a
problem with Situational Relevance - is what you said appropriate
for the context, at the right level of comprehension for the venue,
and near her energy level? Your opener needs to be situationally
relevant, and your questions need to follow situationally
relevantly from the opener.

4. Responding to Statements: This is where a lot of guys get in
trouble. Here’s the thing - interactions shouldn’t be
interrogations. At some point, you need to get into a spot where
you’re making statements, and she’s responding, and it’s going back
and forth. But some girls have a problem doing so. Here’s what you
do -

*Make a statement
*Pause and give her a chance to reply
*If she doesn’t reply, ask a question that follows from your
statement
*Threadcut her answer (make a statement based upon at least one
word or the theme or what she said that goes in another direction)
*Repeat

So if she’s already answering questions and not yet responding to
statements, here’s what you can do:

You: Where you from?
Her: Los Angeles.
You: Cool - I love Los Angeles. My favorite is hanging out at
Melrose and Venice Beach…
(wait…. no answer from her?)
You: What’s your favorite thing about Los Angeles?
Her: I like Hollywood a lot.
You: That’s cool. We go out clubbing in the Hollywood area sometimes.
(wait…. nothing?)
You: You a clubber?
Her: A little.
You: Yeah, that’s cool. I like heading to places with mixed kinds
of music… like more than one room or dance floor. House music is
my favorite.
Her: Oh yeah? I love house music! My favorite is…

Jackpot - see at the end, she responds to a statement with her own
statement - conversations need to move in the direction. If you
make situationally relevant, interesting threadcuts, and keep doing
so, she’s ALWAYS going to respond at some point - and then she’s
put more into the interaction, and is becoming more attracted to
you if you’ve got the value and attainability down.

5. Active Contribution: After she’s answering questions and
responding to statements, you’ve got a normal conversation. Through
it, you can get her to put in work (good for compliance), and show
her that she’s got a shot at you (attainability). Your value can be
established any number of ways, either conversationally or
nonverbally as well.

To get active contribution from a girl, you need the first four
levels of base compliance (acknowledgement, listening, answering
questions, responding to statements) as well as some general VAC -
you’re valuable, she has a shot at you, and she’s started to work
to get you.

Then - and this is crucial - master the art of shutting up when
appropriate. If she hasn’t been jumping in and aiding the
conversation heavily at the 20-30 minute mark, try letting
conversation die in a relaxed way so that she has to pick it back
up. If you’re rambling nonstop, it doesn’t give her an opportunity
to contribute which is crucial.

Don’t overthink base compliance when out socializing - but it is an
excellent troubleshooting technique. If your openers aren’t working
when you’re out, you can pin it to one part of base compliance
every single time - and fix the part that needs fixing.

Also, remember this - getting higher levels of compliance
automatically unlocks a lower level. So, if she gives you a
compliment to start the interaction (active contribution), she’s
obviously acknowledging you. Just like how if you can get her to
come over and clean your house, do your laundry, and cook you
dinner, sex becomes automatic. Cool, huh?

Have fun, keep playin’!

Sebastian

Let’s talk relationships, my man. A lot of times, a guy finds it
funny to aggravate his girlfriend. Sometimes girls press to see
what reactions they can get out of their man. Power struggles are
all too common in relationships, but many times guys don’t even
realize they’re having them. They can start as early as right after
approaching.

You want to stay away from power struggles, and here’s why - Power
struggles only happen when it’s not clear who is in charge. If a
girl engages a guy in a power struggle, it means she’s seen some
value in him but he’s also expressed that he might not be in charge
of the situation. Many guys who’ve never had women react
meaningfully to them relish this new attention, but it’s not a
great place to be.

When value is clear cut and who is in charge is unquestionable,
power struggles do not happen. Look at how most leaders act - they
don’t engage people in back and forth nonsense, nor do they let the
other person get under their skin. They remain simply - unbothered.
They’re usually polite, friendly, and supportive of those around
them.

People turn into struggling for power when they’re not sure who is
in charge, and would like the situation to resolve itself. Instead
of engaging in power struggles, I recommend you rise above them.
This can be done as simply as with the “small shrug” - it’s a shrug
that starts and ends in the time it takes to see “meh”. If a girl
is trying to provoke you, or saying something inflammatory or
silly, you can simply shrug to good results.

If she persists in trying to antagonize you, remove yourself.
Remember, if you’re high value, spending time with you is a reward.
And at the same time - for whatever perverse reason, most people
like to get an emotional reaction out of another person. Yelling at
someone can often be a reward, if it shows them they matter.

So to really punish a girl trying to engage in a power struggle?
Remove yourself. Shrug once. If she persists, tell her gently with
a light smile to knock it off. If she keeps it up, excuse yourself
politely - she’ll get the message.

And remember to act confident and lead people, be strong for them
and help them be the best they can be. The more you grow and
develop into a strong, masculine leader, the less often people will
even try to engage you in power struggles.

God bless,

Sebastian

Let’s talk about ATTAINABILITY.

To attract a woman, you need three elements: Value, Attainability,
and Compliance. Value is the easiest to wrap your mind around - we
all have a basic idea of what value is. It’s something that fills a
conscious or subconscious need.

Compliance is only slightly trickier to understand. The more
someone works for something, the more they like and appreciate it.
And furthermore, all men of high value have high standards they
hold women to: So compliance lends credibility to your value.

So let’s talk attainability. Attainability is the feeling that you
can personally access and be better because of something’s value.
Just because something is valuable, doesn’t mean people think they
can have it.

If you want a really quick illustration of attainability, check
this out:

Close your eyes for about 7 seconds, and imagine the woman that you
were most attracted to in your life.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Got her? The one that really drove you crazy throughout your life?
The one you stayed up late at night thinking about? If you don’t
have her, think it over for just a moment.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Okay. Now. Is that woman…

Pamela Anderson?
Cindy Crawford?
Tyra Banks?
Lucy Liu?
Gwen Stefani?
Any girl from a James Bond movie?

No? It’s probably a girl you knew well actually - a girl from
school, a girl in your social circle, one of your sister’s friends,
a coworker, an ex-girlfriend…

Right?

So how come it’s not the “highest value woman” in the world, by
whatever your measure of that is? It’s because you need to believe
something is attainable to get attracted to it.

In real life, if a woman doesn’t think you’re attainable, she won’t
get attracted. Period.

Now, attainability is NOT “Can I get this guy in bed with me?” It’s
not even, “Can I get this guy in a relationship?”

It’s whether she thinks she can access your value or not.

After lots of research, and going through as much simplification as
possible, here’s three questions that when the answer to all three
is yes, you’ll be seen as attainable:

*Compatability: Can a girl like me get a guy like him?
*Respect: Will he respect me as a friend?
*Legitimacy: Is this for real?

-> Can a girl like me get a guy like him?

Can a girl of her type get with and be happy with a guy like you?

QUICK TECH:

First, if you’re from very similar backgrounds, just talking will
find those commonalities and increase attainability. If you’re from
very different backgrounds, qualify her that you like the things
she’s about and is. If she’s from another country, for instance,
tell her about an ex-girlfriend or friend you have from that
country - it shows you like and respect people from there.

If she’s a painter, you can say, “I love artists - that’s really
fantastic.”

And so on. By the way, the now-cheesey “What’s your sign?” was
originally brought into pickup in the 70’s to help guys appear
compatible to girls.

-> Will he respect me as a friend?

Women want their casual flings to be with guys that they trust, who
won’t ruin their reputations or make them feel bad afterwards. They
want their relationships to be built on friendship. “Respect as a
friend” is extremely powerful in attracted girls by increasing
attainability and value.

QUICK TECH:

Overdose on the word “friend”. Most guys are afraid of the word.
But when you say it yourself, you put yourself in the driver’s
seat, show you’re not desperate or clingy, and that you respect her.

“You’re such a good friend.”
“I’m glad you’re my friend.”
“You’re an awesome friend.”
“You’re just like all my friends.”
“It’s great to become friends with you.”
“You’re just like my friend Maria.”
“You remind me of a lot of my friends.”

Show her that she can fit in with your friends, and also treat her
like a friend. Cultivate a relaxed, casual, trusting dynamic like
you would with a friend. Dinner and a movie - not something you’d
do the first time you hang out with a new friend. So instead,
invite the girl out to “tag along with me while I run some errands,
and then we can go grab a coffee”. Invite her to things you were
doing anyway, or to laid back fun events that appeal to you. Like
you would one of your pals.

-> Is this for real?

Ahh, legitimacy. If your game is too smooth, you seem like you’re
not really doing something special or unique, and that she’s just
another girl you’re using lines on. So don’t be real, not too
smooth.

QUICK TECH:

If you approach and attract her in a non-traditional place, pace
it. “It’s crazy to meet a new friend while shopping.”

Find one thing she did, and attribute the fact that you talked to
her to that. “I’m glad you smiled at me… we wouldn’t have met if
you hadn’t.”

Introduce yourself quickly: If you meet a girl, you’re “the guy in
the nightclub”. If you walk away, and come back, then “the guy from
earlier is coming back”. You want to get out of that ASAP - go from
being “the guy” to “Andy”. Hey, Andy’s back, cool.

Ask 2-5 boring questions after first meeting the girl. Boring
questions are a big no-no. Once you master conversational skills
that let you cut threads and talk in a captivating way, your
natural inclination will be to drop the boring questions like “You
from around here?” entirely. Good call - except ask at least two of
them. If you don’t ask ANY, you come across as way too smooth. You
want to come across as the most highly socially skilled, cool,
genuine guy in the world - not like a player with a schtick.

For guys with value in their lives that naturally have high
standards, attainability is THE difference between attracting and
getting results from women and not.

If she thinks,
“A girl like me could get a guy like him.”
“He’ll respect me as a friend.”
“This is for real.”

Then you, my friend, are IN. So get your life handled, let her know
you’re attainable, and hold her up to your standards. Play on
playboy,

Sebastian

Happy New Year, faithful reader. I thought I’d kick the new year
off by doing something a little different. Here’s some random fun
techniques:

How To Be the Club Make-Out Guy:

Do cheek kisses with every girl you meet - “mwah, mwah” on each
side. Normally this means touching cheeks with her twice. If she
actually puts her lips on your cheek, she’s ready to kiss you 90%
of the time. On the second kiss, get part of her lips with yours.
“Uh oh, our lips just touched! Yours are… soft…” while looking
into her eyes.

Want to make out with a ton of girls 10 seconds after meeting them?
Open, introduce, cheek kiss, and leave if she doesn’t plant ‘em on
you - once one girl goes lips-on-cheek, play on playboy.

Not Spoken Here:

She doesn’t speak the language? Get her to translate. Being
interested in her culture and making her teach you is good for
value, attainability, and compliance. For bonus points, get her to
write it down for you. For even more bonus points, get her to write
down things that would work as openers for other girls from her
country. C’est un beau manteau.

Condom Time? Yuuuckkk…:

Time to get the condom out? Certainly can be awkward. So when she
asks, “Do you have a condom?” - here’s my favorite reply. “Oh… I
didn’t really think I’d be meeting anyone new tonight sweetie.”
Makes you look like you’re not a player, and oftentimes, SHE has
condoms and didn’t want to look like a slut. C’mon, get ‘em out.
What, you don’t have any? Oh, look, I actually do have one… it’s
your lucky day…

Save Her Life:

If you’re waiting at an intersection with her and a car speeds by
quickly, place your arm in front of her hastily, shielding her from
oncoming traffic and pushing her back slightly. Done correctly, it
100% simulates being rescued from a dangerous situation. +V+A and
gets adrenalin running.

Get Cool Socks:

The #1 place to accessorize is what we call the “functional
accessories” - these give you an opportunity to wear interesting
and unique pieces without making it look like you’re out of her
league or trying too hard. Socks are one of my personal favorites
to accessorize on - of course ditch the white tube socks, but
ideally go even more interesting than black or brown. Go for a cool
argyle pattern, get a pair of Hello Kitty socks, or look for baby
blue, a mix of green and orange, or any other pseudo-outrageous
socks. Girls notice.

Address-closing:

She’s staying in a hotel? Do this:

“Where you staying… uh huh, okay… oh, what floor? Seventh? Huh.
What room? 337? Cool, maybe I’ll stop by later.”

You know address closing - if she’s at a hotel - also means you’ve
got her number? Call the hotel, ask to be patched to her room.
Note: This technique only works on occasions when you could’ve
gotten a solid, non-flaking number where the girl was attracted.

Can Your Phone Mass-Text?:

If not, get one. Newer cell phones can send out the same text
message to 10 or more people at once. Send out text messages about
what’s going on in your life to all the girls you’re actively
seeing every 3-4 days. Just resist the urge to say, “I haven’t
heard from you in forever!” when she calls - she’ll feel like she’s
connected to you and part of your life when you do this, even if
you’re not talking.

Club Closing? What a Ridiculously Fun Night:

Club is closing. You didn’t get any. You’d like to try to call up a
new girl, but know that showing on her caller ID at 4 AM can be
social seppuku.

Text this. “what a ridiculously fun night”

To all the girls in the local area. Whoever responds is down for it
- right then - almost always.

As usual - techniques are like a good spice. They’re not the whole
course, but they can be fun to be played with. Best in ‘07 my man!

Sebastian

You know why girls are always so calm and unbothered about their
engagements? If they miss one, they’ve got six more lined up!

Most men hate this behavior. And I can’t blame them, really - but
if they UNDERSTOOD this behavior, they’d be able to plan
accordingly and use it to their advantage.

Before I go on - don’t do this to your male friends. Us guys have
fairly rigid, well known social codes about loyalty and making good
on your word. Women have social codes too - they’re just less
understood by men. But before we go on, this is how to potetially
deal with girls - I’d never social-backup a lunch meeting with a
fellow gentleman.

Now, when a woman agrees to go out with you, realize this: Much of
the time, they consider it as if it is a bid for their time. When
the time event in question comes around, all the bids are checked,
and the highest bid wins.

It’s not uncommon for some girls to book 3-4 (or more!) men at the
same time. Then they go with what they feel the highest bid is.

And men get… really discouraged when a woman doesn’t show up for
a date.

So what to do about it? Make social backup plans. Don’t consider it
dishonest or wrong, either - it’s “just how things are done around
here”. In some countries, you give money to officials to get travel
documents. Just a nominal sum - it’s “how things are done around
here”. Many Europeans are abhor that decent service comes with a
mandatory tip in the United States. Don’t be. It’s “how things are
done around here”. And despite the fact that it’s maybe not the
best system, it’s a decent workable system, and you alone, my
friend, can’t change it. So you can burn bridges and create ill
will by never tipping, or you can go with the flow and tip in the
USA. Likewise, dealing with girls, you can set yourself up for
failure by booking them exclusively, or set yourself up for success
by social backup planning.

Social backup planning: Having a backup plan available to you in
the event things don’t go well. This will mean less wasted time for
you in your life, and also make you more attractive to the women
you’re likely meeting. Let women know that you might have free time
- line 2-3 of them up, and send a “sorry, something came up - will
make it up to u” text message if you’re having a lot of fun on your
first date.

This must seem incredibly unpalatable to you, dear reader. In fact,
I hope it does. It’s not the way of men. When we make commitments,
they’re written in black and white and we don’t break them. But
many women have so many requests for their time, that they say
“maybe” to all requests and see how it shakes out. Just… maybe
sounds a lot like “definitely” when a guy really likes a girl. Or
maybe she doesn’t communicate herself well…

As you get more popular, you don’t even need to try to doublebook
girls. Just knowing that if you pick up the phone and dial, that a
half-dozen girls would jump for joy at the thought of cooking you a
meal and you taking them to bed that night - then you’re in good
shape. Just knowing that you’re not home alone if the plans wash
out means you’ll be much more calm and naturally make good
decisions when inevitably logistics hit a small snag and someone is
late. When she does show up, you’ll give her a nod - That’s right,
sweetie, you got the high bid in. I chose you from my options. Let’s
have a ball.

Social backup plan - like girls do. You’ll feel calm and unpressured
about if and when she makes it there if there’s a line out the door
for you.

Sebastian