Well, here we are: the end of my internship with Sebastian Drake and theApproach. It’s been a brilliant, bonkers, eye-opening, limitation-shattering, endorphin-pumping few months, but graduation time had to come eventually. So, my final post. Jeez, what to say?

I couldn’t possibly do justice in one post to the education I received through my training with Sebastian. He waged multi-front holy war on my limiting beliefs, social weaknesses, and misconceptions about my place in the world. Our lessons ranged from subtle micro-adjustments of my body language and mannerisms to in-depth discussions of the evolutionary and cultural roots of the social norms that shape our behavior. It got heavy yo, for real. Above all, Sebastian shared his vision with me: helping men tap the elite qualities within themselves, join the ranks of the greatest human beings walking the earth, and enrich the lives of the men they encounter and the women with whom they share themselves. If a man can truly tap his high-value potential, then “getting girls” becomes almost an afterthought, something that practically handles itself. The fact that mine and Sebastian’s visions are so similar made it a pleasure to work with and learn from him.

I’ll be blunt for a second. Sebastian is brilliant, straight up. He’ll probably give me crap for writing that, but there it is. His innovations in this field, his contributions to this body of knowledge, are massive. Check out who first took this social skill-set “natural” during an era of scripted routines and Machiavellian tactics. Look up his classic VAC model of attraction and see if it doesn’t mainline a little Roger Clemens Juice right into your social skills (without the sexual side effects, never fear).

Besides his major innovations, during our lessons Sebastian would toss out little tidbits of knowledge or insight that sometimes triggered a little “ah ha!” in me and other times completely nuked my reality. Even more importantly, he was keyed into what specifically I needed to progress. I’d absorbed lots of his writing before ever meeting the guy, but working personally with him added a whole new dimension of targeted learning that I couldn’t have gotten any other way.

One of the biggest points I took away was the idea that I might actually need to reassure a high-value woman that she had a shot with me! I’d blown myself out a few times by playing it cool or aloof, thinking that I had to do it in order to cement attraction with a girl who was out of my league. In reality, those girls were already into me and needed a show of attainability on my part, not some phony show of disinterest. Playing it aloof was just pissing them off, punishing their good behavior in reaching out to me, and (very understandably) killing their interest in me. When Sebastian pointed that out, it rewired my understanding of myself as a social being.

When all is said and done, I’m leaving this internship with a great friend, a great mentor, and social skills that are head and shoulders above where they were when I first signed on. Not bad, guys. Not bad.

…ok, blog stuff! This blog is bigger than you or me, dawg. It existed back in the dawn of time, when lumpy proto-matter was just beginning to swirl into stars and galaxies, and it will continue long after the sun has cooled to celestial charcoal and our descendants have conquered the stars in a horrifying cosmic jihad. In other words… AsktheApproach is still going strong. Keep your eye out for great new content from the stars of the organization, including the very gifted Chase Amante and Sebastian himself.

As for me: you can follow my continued escapades and keep the party bumping at my new blog, Social Superhero: The New Adventures of Clark. In case the link’s wonky on your computer, the address is http://socialsuperhero [dot] blogspot [dot] com. Come say hi!

This has been an exhilarating ride through some wild terrain. Thanks to Sebastian for helping me chart the course and steady the wheel, and thanks to you guys for riding alongside me.

Sincerely yours,
Clark

P.S. One last thing. I wrote up a little article on a topic that’s been on my mind lately: the socially liberating release from attachment to outcomes, which we call outcome independence. It’s the last piece of material I’ll post before I grab my suitcases and shuffle on down the line. I hope you enjoy it and find some value in it that you can add to your own lives.

Outcome Independence

Outcome Dependence: What It Is and What It’s Not

Outcome independence doesn’t mean “not wanting a certain outcome.” People get confused about that – “If I’m supposed to be outcome independent, then why am I even going out and learning to get better with women? Isn’t that going for a specific outcome?” Yes, and that’s fine. It’s ok to want a set to hook, it’s ok to want to have a fun interaction, it’s ok to want to get laid. All that is healthy and normal, and it will motivate you to succeed in improving this part of your life. I repeat: wanting an outcome is fine. Borrowing some terms from Buddhism, what’s not fine is being attached to an outcome, clinging to an outcome. That’s outcome dependence.

What do I mean by attachment or clinging to an outcome? In this sense, attachment to an outcome means: if you don’t achieve the outcome, you experience unhappiness. Obviously, this isn’t a good thing, and if you’re outcome independent (i.e., non-attached), then this doesn’t happen. Losing a good outcome doesn’t cause you to suffer. Even if your preferred outcome would have left you better off than you are right now, losing that outcome doesn’t make you worse off than you are right now. You just stay where you’re at, untroubled and at ease.

For the sake of illustration, let’s make things video-game simple and pretend we can sum up our level of happiness with a number. Be warned, this gets mad geeky, yo. In this example, assume your happiness level is at 5, where 5 = “pretty content and cheery.” A woman walks by and you open her. Now, a successful interaction – say, a number grab – will make you feel good. It’ll raise your happiness level. Let’s say that grabbing the number will give you a boost of 2, bringing you from your original baseline of 5 up to 7. But imagine that you don’t get the number – actually, you get blown out. What happens to your happiness?

Here’s my point. A person who is outcome dependent (”OD”) will actually lose happiness from the blowout and end up worse than he was before he approached. Let’s say a blowout costs him 2, bringing him from his original baseline of 5 down to 3. This is bad; not only is he less happy, but because he’s learned that approaching can actually leave him worse off than he started, he’ll fear approaching in future. This will trip him up and spoil his approaches, leading to more blowouts, and more unhappiness, and so on. It’s a destructive cycle that will demolish your state and erode your success. Ugly stuff, and it feels ugly when you experience it.

What about an outcome independent (”OI”) person? An outcome independent person’s happiness level would still be 5, just where it was before. You haven’t gained anything, but you haven’t lost anything either. You’re still exactly where you were – pretty content and cheery. Your approach has cost you absolutely nothing, and so you know that you have nothing to fear from future approaches – there’s no danger of loss, only the chance that you won’t gain something extra, and that’s really not so bad. Being OI and getting blown out is like not getting a bonus with your week’s salary. Being OD and getting blown out is like getting robbed.

Outcome independence leaves you feeling free, uninhibited, and happy. It also drastically boosts your success, because you don’t have that fear clouding your mind, making you hesitate, destroying your state, and finally pressuring you to chode out and go home. You get blown out, you shrug/chuckle/don’t react at all, turn, and blast open the next group of people. That’s outcome independence, baby. Learn it, live it, love it.
If you haven’t yet had the experience of really being in massive state, where you just come in like a force of nature and lay waste to an entire club, OI will be a big part of getting you there. And even on nights where you don’t have tangible success, you’ll still have fun and go to bed afterward with a smile on your face, your mind clear and untroubled. Outcome independence really is the grade-A quality shit, and cultivating it isn’t too hard, so let’s get to it.

Cultivating Outcome Independence

The truest outcome independence is the type you find in people like Buddhist masters and Hindu holy men – they view the entire universe as merely a beautiful illusion, and so they’re 100% non-attached to what happens. For them, it truly is all good. If you’re looking for full-on spiritual enlightenment, then by all means, find a spiritual system or tradition that works for you and go for it. Luckily, we don’t need that level of pure non-attachment to be successful with women. There are a bunch of things we can do to reduce our attachment to outcome and become the cool, fearless social ninjas that we’re destined to be.

Give Yourself Permission to SUCK

This one is simple – give yourself permission to mess up. Seriously, say it to yourself and really mean it. Give yourself permission to get blown out of every set all night long, and consciously decide not to punish yourself for it. Try this out, and you’ll learn that it’s within your power to do it. So much of OD is the fear of emotional punishments that you inflict on yourself for “failure.” You don’t need to do that to yourself. Get rid of it, quick and clean – give yourself total permission to get blown out over and over, and suddenly blowouts are funny instead of crushing. Hooray. Now get the hell out there and approach like a fiend.

I first really did this, gave myself explicit permission to suck, when I was going out for the first time with some new friends who were very socially skilled. Honestly, I was a little intimidated. I knew how good these guys were, and I felt as if I had to prove myself – like, if I didn’t rock ass with that night, they’d decide I didn’t have the stuff and wouldn’t want to roll with me. That’s ridiculous, but whatever. Anyway, I realized that if I was outcome dependent like that, it would almost guarantee that my interactions went badly, and I’d have sealed the very fate I was trying to avoid. Right then, I decided: I give myself permission to SUCK HARDCORE tonight. I give myself total permission to blow out like a goddamn tire, with every set if that’s what happens – I release myself from all emotional punishment for it. The night went great, I had a blast, and I actually had a lot of tangible success – although, if I hadn’t been very successful, I really would have been fine with it. That’s key. You can’t just say you’re totally cool with blowouts while sneaking OD glances at your results to see if “it’s working yet.” When you say it, you have to mean it. Your mind and your gut know the difference; you can’t trick yourself.

The idea that you can unlock new levels of skill by releasing the fear of failure has ancient roots. The samurai of feudal Japan were such superb warriors largely because they were completely at peace with dying in battle. Through discipline, training, and meditation, they’d freed themselves from all fear of death. Death. The only thing you’re facing is getting blown out by some girl. A little easier, yeah? You don’t need years of rigorous samurai training for this one. Just give yourself permission to mess up. You’ll mess up a lot less and feel a lot better.

(Once you get a little more advanced, you add the additional factor of fully expecting success, with no doubt in your mind at all. The mighty Jeffy over at Real Social Dynamics talks about this in his DVD, “The Jeffy Show” – when he steps to a set, he refuses to be denied, and the idea of failure isn’t even in his reality. Jeffy can pull that off because he’s HAD so much success that this belief is easy for him to take on. If you feel at some level that you’re deluding yourself, taking on a false belief that you can’t get behind 100%, it won’t take. That’s ok. Acknowledge that you’ll have good nights and “bleh nights,” recognize that over time the ratio of good nights to “bleh” nights will go up and up, and hit the field to make it happen. Nuff said.)

Treat It Like a Video Game

Credit some old-school pickup dude for this one… I think Manic High. When you’re out at a venue running sets, imagine that you’re playing a video game. This is an extremely helpful and empowering frame. It slaughters outcome dependence – there’s no reason to fear a blowout, because in a video game, you’ve got as many lives as you want and you can always hit “reset.” The whole thing is just a fictitious world where nothing is real and you can’t truly get hurt, and so you don’t take anything too seriously. This “video game frame,” where you have infinite chances and no consequences for failure, rewires your attitudes about running sets in a few awesome ways. You focus on “playing the game” instead of “winning” (process instead of outcome), you see social interactions as basically disposable and interchangeable (abundance), and you could really give a shit about getting blown out (outcome independence). If you lose a life fighting Wario or whoever, does it ever really tear at you? Or do you just shrug, start the level over, and have another go?

This doesn’t mean that you should always see people as disposable/ interchangeable/faceless, or that you shouldn’t care about people as individuals. The video game frame doesn’t make apply once you’ve actually gotten to know someone and developed some connection. It is, however, a great way to cut outcome dependence when you’re out approaching, because until you’ve actually talked to someone and gotten to know her, she really is interchangeable with all the other people you haven’t spoken to yet. Other than her appearance, you don’t know much or anything about her. She’s just a part of the game.

Get Yer Goddamn Life Together

This one’s simple to express, but it’s definitely easier said than done. Get your life together – make sure you’re living the way you want. This doesn’t mean everything has to be peachy and perfect, but if things aren’t great right now, you should at least feel that you’re on track to make things better – that you’re trending upward, as my friend and teacher Sebastian Drake likes to put it.

If you’re unhappy with who you are and how you move through the world, you’re going to feel the urge to pull validation and happiness from others. The OI dude in my little “Happiness Level 5″ example can afford to be OI because he’s already content – if he doesn’t get success, it’s totally cool because he’s already in a good place. If you don’t have your life together, then your baseline happiness is probably not so high. You crave the happiness and validation from social success because things are not too good as they are – you don’t have your own baseline happiness. Don’t linger in these doldrums – get proactive, kick yourself in the ass, and start making changes. There are countless excellent resources out there on how to make deep-seated changes in your life, from self-help dudes like Tony Robbins to your friends and family to your own common sense and inner fire. I’m not writing this to give you the walkthrough for changing your life, only to point the way and urge you to find your own answers. Like so many things in this “game,” the answers you find will enrich your life far beyond your social interactions.

Meditate

Like I said, you don’t need to reach complete and total enlightenment to improve your outcome independence. But those ancient and modern spiritual masters have crafted an amazing tool that will help even us regular workaday schmucks improve our lives: meditation.

A powerful, flexible, and relaxed mind makes a huge difference in every area of your life. I can’t stress this enough: meditation is one of the greatest, most unbelievably beneficial and satisfying activities I’ve taken up in my entire life. I think that every kid should be taught the habit of regular meditation every day, just like we’re taught to brush our teeth – it should be considered basic “mental hygiene.”

Get a basic meditation regimen going, and you’ll be blown away (calmly and serenely, of course) by the changes you feel in your own mental and emotional state. Things just bother you less. You won’t argue and fight with people, and negativity from others just rolls of you like water off a duck’s back. You gain more control over your thoughts – no more “racing mind” keeping you anxious or distracted. When I first started meditating, I was suffering from insomnia. After a week of daily meditation, I could put myself to sleep within fifteen minutes. I can concentrate better, my memory is stronger, I’m just generally happier all the time, even my dreams are more vivid – the list of benefits is ridiculously long. And of course, it leads naturally to a state of strong outcome independence.

By the way, meditation isn’t necessarily a religious activity. Usually the best meditation tech is found within religious traditions, especially Eastern ones, but they don’t have to be done within those traditions. These are powerful mental technologies that can be practiced on their own in a totally secular way.

I won’t go on more about meditation here, but go find a basic system and get your ass on the cushion. The basic systems are exactly what we want here – they’re simple, powerful, and intended to produce a tranquil, content, and controlled mind, which is what we’re going for. The Buddhist technique called shamatha (pronounced SHA-MAH-TAH, also spelled samatha in the Pali language), or tranquility meditation, is the best-known and most widely practiced. It’s what I practice, and let me repeat: it is money. There’s a Hindu system called raja yoga, created by the sage Patanjali, that’s similar. There are good resources available online for learning many of these techniques, although having a flesh-and-blood teacher is a great help.

Once you’ve learned to meditate (which doesn’t take long at all), the key is consistency – meditating for a very short period every single day is way better than meditating for long periods but skipping the occasional day. Find what works for you, remember that even within a given system there are usually many variations (there are several styles of shamatha, for instance – I practice one specific method within the Tibetan Buddhist tradition), and enjoy your newfound calmness, control, happiness, and OI attitude.

Hey guys,

I’m going to share a “field report” I wrote up this weekend. It’s long, and so I used the shorthand of the “pickup” community to get my thoughts down quickly and clearly. I’ll go through the report now and put in little translations for those of you who don’t know the jargon - it’ll be useful for you anyway, in case you ever want to read material from guys who are more about the jargon than we are.

Before you get to the report, a couple quick things: to respect people’s privacy, I’m going to use pseudonyms for the people in this report, avoid naming the actual venues I was at, and keep to myself what town I’m in this week. Ok, enough with the disclaimers. Enjoy!

(Lessons learned and other commentary in bold)

It’s about 10 PM on Saturday night. My plan is to meet up with Wallace downtown, then head to [other neighborhood] later in the night and party up with the homie Justin (sorry I didn’t make it, man). Wallace is at Venue D, and we plan to meet at the Venue C. I hop on the subway, where I see a stunning woman with green eyes and black hair. I go direct [translation: open her with Genuine Interest]. We start talking, and I sit down next to her. She’s on her way to a friend’s place, but when I tell her I’m heading to Venue C, she mentions that she has friends there tonight and decides to come with me. Wallace isn’t there yet when we arrive, so I hang with the girl’s crew and befriend everyone. After maybe ten minutes, they decide to go to Venue D and ask if I want to come. I call Wallace, and he’s down for staying at D, so I agree to go with Green Eyes and her crew. We wait on line at D for a bit, and eventually Green Eyes’ crew gets impatient and decides to leave. I decide to stay, so I #close [translation: get her number - that one’s pretty obvious] Green Eyes and wish her a good night. I call her a minute after she leaves – “Meet anyone interesting tonight?” “Well, just one…” “Yeah, me too, I actually met this cute girl, do you think I should call her?” Etc.

But uh, back to the lecture at hand. After Green Eyes dips out, I chat up the folks in line behind me – they’re pretty friendly, and this further pumps my fun, social state.

Lesson learned: stay social and don’t just talk to cute girls. These people behind me were like an older couple and a guy my age, but I still enjoyed talking to them, and it reinforced my good state.

My buddy Fox shows up and joins me on line. When we’re almost at the door, I notice a hot girl with glasses talking on her phone nearby. I quickly break out of line and go direct. She’s engaged – she’s wearing gloves, so I couldn’t see Frodo [translation: the One Ring to Rule Them All. This is a term my buddies and I use, not common shorthand] – but (of course) is flattered and very cool about it. Hop back on line just in time, as we’re at the door.

Quick funny story here. [CENSORED - NOT FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION. Sorry, guys.]

Fox and I find Wallace and Drago. I open a 2-set [translation: a group of two people - unless I call it a “mixed set,” assume all women] as a byproduct of putting down my coat near them. Drago comes in to wing [translation: act as a wingman à la Top Gun], but I quickly bail because they’re not particularly interesting. A hot brunette walks past, and I go direct as she passes. She responds well, but keeps walking after we exchange names – I suppose I could have thrown something over my shoulder to reel her back in. My bad. She’s part of a birthday party crammed with hot girls, and Wallace sends me in. I go in and open by asking whose birthday it is. They hook [translation: reach a point early in the interaction where they actively want you to stay] only “meh” – one girl hooks good and hard, but the others don’t. Wallace comes in to wing, and one of the girls mentions that she’d pushed him out of the way earlier when he was at the bar, as if that’s cool or something. I’m not a fan of this, so I politely eject. This is a true case of women failing to meet my standards, but on some level I wonder if it isn’t also a tree disguise.

We decide to head over to Venue V. On the way out, I open a seated set and run that for a bit. I also open a seated 4-set (”You guys are the hottest girls here.”) and talk to them for a little bit. Meanwhile, Drago opens a nearby 2-set by pointing out my opening of the 4-set – that’s called being energy efficient. Pickup’s going green, people. Anyway, I jump in on that 2-set. Drago points out that the girl with pale blonde hair is wearing white and the girl with the dark brown hair is wearing black. I say they’re like a Yin Yang (I realize as I say it that this is a little suggestive, heh, whoops), and go on to talk with the blonde about Taoism and dualism and which one between the yin and yang principles is “masculine” and which is “feminine,” which is “heaven” and which is “earth,” etc. So for this report, let’s call her Yin (”feminine” and “earth,” by the way). I also try out a new little accomplishment intro [translation: a cool way of introducing your buddy to a group that bigs him up] for Drago. I tell the girls, “Don’t talk to Drago. Seriously, he’s dangerous. He’s a very bad man. Don’t talk to him. He used to wrestle grizzly bears back in Mother Russia just to get a workout,” etc etc.

I Cube Yin [translation: the Cube is an old Sufi self-knowledge game involving visualization. The old-school pickup guys like Mystery and Style used this as a “routine” - I’m not into using pre-scripted routines, and I use it here more to amuse myself than anything else. Plus, it actually is a fun little game]! Ha, this is my second time ever using the Cube, and it’s been months since the first time. Hilarious. I’m a little rusty with what means what, but I work it out as I go along and she digs it. I forget what else was said – there’s definitely some rapport, talking about what we do (she’s a business student) and our goals and whatnot – but I’ll just cut to the end. I #close her and we dip out.

As we walk into Venue V, I see a mane of bright blue dyed hair out of the corner of my eye. I can’t see the girl well, but she appears to be hot, and also standing in her group is a girl with jet black dyed hair. Cute rocker-looking chicks… hm. Anyway, V is at capacity upstairs, and a layer of waiting dudes with drinks clutched to chests has accumulated at the foot of the stairs. Seeing these poor bastards motivates me not to take that route myself… I tell Drago I don’t want to wait at the foot of the stairs like a helpless chode, looking longingly upwards as if the secret to having a fun night is on the second floor. I decide to open the hot rocker chicks. I roll up to them and open by asking if they think my jacket will get stolen if I put it down. Blah blah banter banter, I go put my jacket down on a chair and enlist a nearby seated 2-set of cuties to guard it for me. I reenter the rocker set (it’s a 6-set with one guy). A little more banter about the coat situation, then I transition to introducing myself. It feels a little awkward going around the circle getting names, but I stick the landing, so it’s fine, and it goes smoothly from there.

Forgot to use my “How’s it going?” opener like I’ve been meaning to. But to be fair, it’s because an opener occurred to me spontaneously for every set, so I guess that’s fine too. I wonder if “Hey guys, how’s it going?” would have opened the big rocker set as effectively as my sorta indirect thing about the coats. I bet it would have… maybe follow up with something like, “You guys seemed like some of the more interesting people in here, figured I’d come talk to you.” Gotta keep chipping away at those limiting beliefs.

I don’t remember much detail about the conversation – hopefully that’s a sign that I’m outside my head and running a smooth set, not that I have a shitty memory. The blue-haired cutie (amazing looks-wise, but later on I also find that her wit, intelligence, attitude, and underlying personal warmth are all on point – she’s really quite cool) tells me she’s a singer and volunteers that she’s been signed to [very major record label]. I say something like, “Now, most guys would say something like, ‘You’re a singer? Durr, sing something for me!’ But I’m not gonna do that.” She laughs and says that yeah, ugh, she always gets that, haha, etc.

Lesson learned: my response to her being a singer on a major record label was the right response: legitimate interest in a cool job without chodey over-excitement. This wasn’t strategic; it was just how I felt.

Eventually, the group decides to go upstairs. I role-play that she’ll be my girlfriend and tell her to flirt with the bouncer guarding the stairs so that we can both get up. I chat with and befriend the bouncer while we wait. Friendliness on my part and flirting on Blue’s part get us up the stairs – I offer her my arm, and we walk up high-class-style. For the rest of the night, putting her on my arm is my go-to move for leading her around the venue.

Lesson learned: putting the girl on your arm is great – it’s dominant and leading, it’s kino-licious obviously, and it involves a little role-play by subtly invoking an elegant, aristocratic bygone era – formal balls and waltzes and galas and things like that. Especially when going up or down a large flight of stairs.

One of Blue’s friends in particular is very sassy – the black-haired one. She calls me Fabio all night. That’s fine with me – I’m a scrawny brillo-haired dude while Fabio is an enormous testosterone-emitting sex symbol, so that’s a compliment from where I’m standing. (Earlier in the night, Green Eyes asked me if anyone had ever told me I looked like James Franco. Uh, no, because they have eyes that work. Those of you who haven’t met me in person, trust me when I say that looks-wise, I am ok but no James Franco. Ah, the power of attraction.)

The other girls in Blue’s crew want to meet cute single guys – the place is full of guys I know, so I tell them not to worry. Drago walks by and I bring him in, then I lead Blue away as Drago talks to the other girls. Thanks to all my friends there, the second floor of V is Social Proof City [translation: social proof is the value boost you get in someone’s eyes when s/he sees that other people value you; this is very powerful and going on all the time]. Besides Drago, I run into Wallace and Peter, as well as Fox again I think. Some of Blue’s friends turn up and think Peter is cute – I try to get his attention, but he’s deep in conversation already so I leave him to it. I isolate Blue [translation: lead her to a quieter area where we can be somewhat alone and get to know each other better] along the railing above the stairs. We chat and build some rapport about our lives and whatnot – I express interest in her musical career and qualify her on it [translation: compliment someone about something you genuinely like about them], and we talk a little about our tastes in music (mine are kinda eclectic and interesting, so it’s clear that musical passion is a commonality we share).

For some reason, this whole time we’ve been periodically joking about ninjas. She’s the one who brought them up – ok, I’m game, I like ninjas. I go into a thing I stole and modified from my buddy/mentor EC from San Francisco – joking about being a ninja, going to ninja college… I majored in shooting arrows through windows with ominous notes stuck onto the ends, minored in grappling hooks but they’ve got these new gas-powered ones that anyone can use so it’s hard to find a job, blah blah blah.

I also do my standard “I’ll hit a woman” stuff. Ok, that sounds awful. It’s not like that, honest. For some reason, I almost always find the opportunity to tell a woman, mock-seriously but very clearly joking, that hey, she’d better watch it, because here’s the thing about me: I will hit a woman. I absolutely will. I’ll punch her right in the kidney – it won’t leave any marks (if you’re going to do this sort of thing, PLEASE calibrate! If you don’t manage to make it funny and flirty, it will be very very unfunny and creepy). This leads to play-fighting and general kino fun [translation: kino is short for kinesthetics and refers to physical touching, hopefully in a natural and non-creepy way, that builds attraction and connection between two people]. We both threaten to throw the other over the railing – we say this at exactly the same time as each other, which is funny and cute.

I have Blue come downstairs with me to bring my coat back up. Go back upstairs, hang there for a few minutes, then lead her back downstairs again to sit in a booth.

Lesson learned: well, I knew this already, but might as well point it out. Moving her around a lot is good - it builds what used to be called compliance (I’m calling it “investment” these days, and I believe Sebastian’s joining me on that). It also has an interesting time-dilation effect: the more places you’ve been to with someone, the longer you feel you’ve known them for. I moved Blue around both within the venue and (later in the night) between venues.

We’re lounging there thigh-to-thigh, with my arm around her, when her friends come down the stairs and spot us. I smile and wave, and they come join us. Ok, they like me, and they’re not gonna get weird about us being down here alone or give Blue a hard time about it.

Lesson learned: befriending Blue’s crew was key for this interaction. They were genuinely cool, so I was glad to do it, but it was also the right move. Even after getting in well with all of them, the black-haired friend still made some small waves at the end – pulling Blue aside with “Are you gonna be ok? [Yes] Are you sure?” then sorta half-playfully lecturing me: “Hey, make sure she gets home ok,” etc. Imagine if she didn’t like me – it would have been game over, full-on cockblock drag-away-o-rama, and that would have been that.

Some dude in a [sports team] jacket – approaches the group. This other girl in the crew (wow, actually this whole group is sassy as hell) promptly tells him that she wants to light him on fire (it’s because of his [sports team] jersey, her being from [x city], but still. Harsh). Dude’s friend (wing?) comes in, and I suffer through the most painful display of attempted macking I’ve experienced since my own AFC days [translation: Average Frustrated Chump; your standard guy who doesn’t really get how to be successful socially or with women; a guys who isn’t a so-called “natural” and hasn’t done active work on his social skills yet]. I feel for these guys, but the girls I’m with don’t appear to – they’re mercilessly mocking him to me and each other. Still, it’s good that, as they joke about lame douche-nozzles they don’t know bothering them at bars, it doesn’t even occur to them to lump me in that category.

Lesson learned: the value of distinguishing myself in women’s eyes from standard, chodey guys. This is obviously good because women really don’t like those guys, as I saw here. I am dead-set against being a judgmental person, but I also think it’s ok to be subtly disparaging, not toward specific guys, but toward a sort of faceless “other” that represents chodey guys in general. This is something that Sebastian teaches, and that’s what I did earlier when I said that most guys would tell Blue to sing them something. These “other” guys are the drunk, handsy, harassment-happy Enemy of women at bars – it’s good to be one of the cool guys in the know, on the girls’ team, instead of being one of the Enemy.

Blue’s crew is bouncing to the Venue C, and the black-haired friend invites me along. Hell yeah, let the night end where it began. Fox and some of his boys roll with.

On the street, some “My New Haircut”-looking dudes holler some disrespectful shit at the girls… “Hey, dancers! Strippers! Sup girls?” Crap like that. As they pass, I notice… one of the guys (hopefully he wasn’t yelling) is my good friend from college whom I haven’t seen in years! Ok, the girls (justifiably) dislike these guys and it won’t help me to appear friendly with them, but I don’t care. This is my boy here. I break off, dart around the corner they just turned down, and yell out my buddy’s name. He has a “holy shit” moment, then it’s all hugs and happy shouting and glory. Blue and her black-haired friend dart their heads around the corner to see what the hell I’m doing. I tell them to give me just a minute. I chat with my buddy a little more about what I’m up to these days, what I’m doing in town, etc, before catching up with the rockers. Mention he was an old college friend, surprised he was hanging out with jerks. The girls thought I’d chased them down to kick their asses or something. Uh, no.

At Venue C, chat with some interesting guys, have a fun interaction with the cute bartendresses, run into Peter again (or did he walk over with us? Don’t recall. This isn’t drunkenness, just obliviousness). Meanwhile, every male hired gun [translation: people who work at the venue - waiters/waitresses, bartenders, etc] in the place is flirting with Blue. I take it in with a glance from across the room – it appears to be weak supplication game [translation: trying to win a woman’s affection by showering her with gifts and/or compliments, devaluing yourself and placing yourself at her disposal - incidentally, this doesn’t work], and I can see from her body language that there’s nothing to worry about there. I talk a little more with Peter, then walk over to reengage Blue. Peter immediately dives into a set of cute Indian girls as I walk away. Player player.

I’d mentioned earlier that I was hungry, so Blue tells me some of her friends are in the next room having some light bar food. We join them and enjoy some good conversation along with the food. Peter, Fox, and co. come in and tell me they’re grabbing pizza. I decide to come with and take Blue with me. There’s a little bit of token protectiveness from the black-haired girl at the exit, but it’s nothing serious. She likes me and isn’t really trying to cockblock, just doing her duty toward her younger friend (black-haired girl is a little older and married) and confirming that I’m the good guy she thinks I am. Much love to her - she was a cool girl and super-fun throughout the night.

On the way out, lots of kino with Blue – hand on small of back, arm around waist, etc – along with continued playful joking. At some point, she says, “If we run into a guy called Connor, you’ve known me for a really long time, ok? From high school.” I ask “Who’s Connor?” She says, “Some guy I’m sorta seeing… I guess we’re provisionally dating or something…” I’m unfazed and non-judgmental, and I just play along with her ruse – ask her the names of her town and high school, etc. Connor will never figure it out, we’re too sneaky…

Lesson learned: she’s “sorta seeing” someone? “Provisionally dating?” What? I’m not judging, but it’s just startling to hear this stuff. This guy probably thinks they’re on their way to a deep committed relationship, and she’s casually dismissing him for some charming dude she met at V. Them’s the breaks, I know, but I’m not used to seeing this side of things - not too long ago, I was more likely to be dismissed guy than charming dude. At this point in time, I’ve chosen not to get involved with women who have boyfriends (not condemning those who do - it’s a murky and challenging ethical question), but if they’re “provisionally dating” then I don’t care. That doesn’t sound like a boyfriend to me. Sounds like a test drive, and I bet I’m packing more horsepower. Sorry, Connor. If you’re reading this, then you’re probably on your way to better and stronger interactions with women. Good luck, man.

At the pizza place, all us guys debrief and spit game stuff while we stand on line for our food. Blue sees a guy she knows and heads over to talk to him. It’s all good – the attraction is there between us, nothing to worry about.

Lesson learned: Being unfazed when I saw her talking to other guys was key too. She’s a hot, high-value chick with an unusually attention-grabbing look because of the hair. She’s going to have random dudes talking to her, and this is her neighborhood so she’s going to know dudes too. Being reactive and insecure would be poison here – instead, I mentally assessed the attraction I’d built, quickly scoped out the interactions for any indication that I should interfere, and concluded that all was well.

She talks to the guy for a while, so I just grab my pizza and sit down with the guys, continuing to shoot the shit. Before too long, Blue squeezes in next to me. After I finish my pizza, I suggest that she and I leave. We say goodbye to my friends and head out. Doesn’t look like we’ll be going to her place, even though we’re apparently just a few blocks away – she directs us toward the cab stand, which is in the opposite direction of her house. Ok, fair enough – I’m not gonna push it. I’d rather get the Day2 than go for more and blow it with a cool girl. Grab her and kiss her – we make out for a bit, continue walking toward the cab stand, I slam her against a wall and make out some more, we continue walking, etc. One more kiss, grab a cab, and I’m out.

Epilogue:

Googled Blue, and apparently her music is starting to get some attention. She worked with some big names on her new album, and it looks like she might actually get somewhere – although who knows with the music business. Again, I’m not going to share names, for the sake of preserving Blue’s privacy. But good for her.

I followed up the following day by text with Green Eyes and Yin. I’ve got a Day2 with Green Eyes tonight (Monday) and one with Yin tomorrow afternoon. I followed up with Blue right after saying goodbye, during my cab ride home – I’m seeing her on Wednesday.

Lesson learned: Social Capital and Social Power

One solid night’s work equals three Day2s. Damn yo. That’s something worth remembering, because it confirms the principle of abundance. I could have no girls and no numbers (which was pretty close to my situation, since I recently cleared out all my numbers as a sort of psychic Spring Cleaning), go out for one night, and fill my social calendar for a week.

I sometimes think of social connections with people (friends, lovers, acquaintances, etc) as “social capital” that you’ve accumulated, and of social skills/game/charisma/etc as “social power,” the ability to generate social capital. Saturday night confirmed that I don’t need to fret about my social capital – stress about particular girls, worry about losing them, guard my “stash” like a dragon protecting his treasure horde – because I’ve got social power, which means I can always build new social capital.* A guy with social capital but no social power is like a wealthy heir who’s never had to work; strip away his wealth and social standing, and he’ll stay poor. A guy with social power is like a self-made billionaire: bankrupt him and leave him destitute, and he’ll just pick himself up and earn another fortune.**

Cheers,
Clark

*This isn’t to say I don’t value my friends dearly; to get a little Buddhist for a second, it’s about freedom from clinging to them, not from caring about them.

**Turns out Sebastian has a similar concept, which he phrases in terms of “natural leadership” and “artificial leadership.” I don’t think that he has any public writing on this topic, but I believe he teaches it privately to his students.

Ok, this is gonna sound like classic pickup marketing crap – “Hey guys, I only have a minute, there are two Playboy bunnies waiting outside for me in a Bugatti, but I’m gonna let you guys know about our awesome new product…” – but I actually do have to write this quickly because I’m meeting a date in twenty minutes. I just set this up on the spur of the moment. Actually, I’ll blog that interaction real quick.

I initiated by texting her some miscalibrated gibberish. She responded with something like “Dude, what the hell are you talking about?” but instead of being fazed and texting some sheepish reply, I texted back, “Don’t u take that tone with me, by [guy we both know]’s holy top hat I won’t have it.” From that point on, the texting was playful and fun, and eventually I hit the dial button and called her.

This girl really put up a fight on the phone when I suggested meeting up… “It’s raining,” “I’m in my PJs,” “I’m not going to come out,” “I’m competitive and you’re not going to win.” My answer to almost all of these? Credit my homie Jeffrey Lewis Allen the Ninth (of the San Francisco Allens) for this response: “Irrelevant.”

“It’s raining.” “Irrelevant. Let’s go.” “I’m in my PJs.” “Irrelevant. Come on.” “I don’t want to go out tonight.” “Your wishes are irrelevant. Let’s go.”

The name of the game is “persistence,” and the name of the frame is “unwavering certainty.” I wasn’t even envisioning a possible future where she stayed home. She was coming out and that was that.

At one point, I busted out a hilarious, powerful move straight from Sebastian Drake. The girl called me out on being presumptuous, and I said something like, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Hm. I guess this is a little silly of me… kinda inappropriate… [pause] … so what bar should we meet at?” This is really money – when a woman criticizes you for doing something, act sheepish and contrite for a second… pause… then keep doing what you were doing. To use an extreme example: “Hey girls, how about the two of you come home with me tonight?” “That’s incredibly rude! Do you think we’re sluts or something?” “Huh… [brow furrowed, looking pensive] wow, I guess you’re right. That was pretty inappropriate, sorta rude… [lose the pensive look] so, you coming?” It shows you’re rock-solid, plus it’s funny – sometimes they’ll actually laugh. I know I did when Sebastian taught it to me.

And, finally, my finishing move: “Come on, you know this is going to end the fun way, not the lame way. Let’s go.” Fatality – flawless victory.

(I should mention that I wasn’t consciously thinking tactics during this phone conversation, analyzing what “tech” I should use or anything like that. That won’t work well – conversations flow and change at the speed of thought, and there’s no time for in-depth mental processing. I just talked, keeping my mind clear and relaxed as with any normal conversation, and stuff I had learned in the past bubbled up on its own when it was needed.)

So that was setting up the date. On a different note, here are the two simple techniques from Sebastian that will help you build more attraction during conversation

Get Her Talking More With a “Go on…” Indicator

It’s super-powerful to get a girl invested in her interaction with you – we’ve talked about this before, and Sebastian has expanded on this idea a ton in past writings. To that end, it’s actually great to let the girl do most of the talking in a conversation. So many guys hear “It’s important to lead the interaction” and translate that in their minds as “Talk, talk, talk. Talk her goddamn face off.” No no no. Get her talking – that way, she’s putting in work and investing in the interaction. Here’s the simplest way to do that: tell her to. After she says something, just indicate that you’d like to hear more. Give her a “Go on…” indicator. The more nonverbally you can do this, the better. So the best way is just a subtle, “expectant” facial expression, the slightly raised eyebrows and slight inclining of the head that say “Go on…” You know what I mean. The next best way is with a casual gesture, a “Go on…” rolling of the hand. Finally, you can also do it by straight-up saying something like “Hm, tell me more about that…” All these work. Remember, though, the more you rely on nonverbals and the more subtlety you employ, the more powerful your communications and your presence become.

Crap, guys… really gotta run. I’ll get this up tonight or early tomorrow morning, cross my wee heart.

[Ok, I’m back at my computer. It’s about 2 AM. Anyway, back to the post…]

Subtly Screen with the “Evaluating Look”

This one is very simple. It’s an easy way to inject some light screening into a conversation. After she tells you something about herself (”I really like adult Christian contemporary rock,” or “Last night I fought off three muggers using nothing but my bare fists and my Praying Mantis Kung Fu,” or whatever), squint a little bit as if you’re mulling over and evaluating what she just said. Give that just a second, then qualify her with a teensy bit of hesitance in your voice: [Evaluating look] “Hm… yeah, that’s cool.” Like that.

For the facial expressions I’ve mentioned in this post: don’t try to remember them using a physical breakdown like “Ok, raise eyebrows, incline head…” or what have you. That’s a waste of brainpower, totally unnatural, and will probably come off (unsurprisingly) as weird. Instead, just remember what each expression is supposed to convey. Just look expectant, or pensive, or like you’re evaluating something. Your face knows how to do that.

Have fun!
Clark

Hey guys,

I’m crazy busy right now with my first foray into academic scholarship, writing a paper that should hopefully introduce some cool new ideas about human behavior and generate some discussion among the tweed-and-bifocals crowd. But you know I’ve always got time for you! Here’s what’s coming down the pipeline over the next few days, probably today (Tuesday):

A quick lesson from Sebastian: two simple conversational nonverbals that can get a woman invested in her interactions with you and jack up her feelings of attraction.

A field report or two. Expect at least one today (Tuesday). I’ve got about four that I need to write, but two of them are actually a teensy bit too debauched for me to feel comfortable posting. I mean, my mom reads this blog. I’ll probably pop those two up on the private theApproach forum. See y’all in a little bit!

Clark

Hey guys,

Time to go over my recent lessons with Sebastian. We’ve been doing a lot of personalized work on sticking points specific to me — one of the perks of the job, lads — so I’m gonna pull out the snippets that are more widely applicable and share those. Here they are.

She Really Wants to See You

Sebastian gave me a mission: whenever I’m arranging via phone or text to meet up with a woman, phrase it in accordance with this idea: she really wants to see me, and I’m going to do my best to make that happen for her. Don’t ask if she wants to see you, or if she’s free, or any of that. Just presuppose that she wants to see you and go from there with your text or phone conversation.

That’s the idea; here are some examples of ways to do it. Say that the two of you “can” get together, as if she first asked, “Can we get together?” and you’re agreeing to her request. Don’t stress the “can” or overdo it like a weirdo – be normal and casual. This should be subtle. Another good phrase: “I’m going to try and free up some time for us to hang out,” or something similar. Sebastian had me go hardcore and throw in the slightly ballsy line, “I know you want to see me.” Again, don’t overdo this – just say it casually, in passing, like you’re mulling it over as motivation for you to set up the meet-up. Don’t slap a woman in the face with it, as if you’re sneering at the fact that she likes you. Remember, we like it when girls like us. They’re pretty and soft and smell nice.

I was on the phone with a woman yesterday, and I said something like, “So we can hang out this week… I’m pretty busy, but I know you want to see me… I’ll try and free up some time for us to kick it. What’s your schedule like?” Sha-zow, three-hit combo! I managed to string together all three of Sebastian’s example phrases in that one. It went over well; she let me know when she was going to be in town, and we have a date later this week. We’re going ice skating then grabbing hot cocoa. I know, adorable.

The thing to remember is that the principle here is more important than the exact phrases Sebastian gave as examples. Again, that principle is: when moving to schedule a meet-up, phrase it as if she wants to see you, and you’re going to try to make it happen for her.

Generating Emotions in Others

Sebastian explained that people tend to pick up on and mirror the emotions of people around them. For that reason, he said, if we want someone to feel a certain emotion, a good way to make that happen is to feel that emotion ourselves and let them “catch” it. Sebastian assigned me two emotional states to try and generate. The first was basic high-energy excitement. I tried it a club when I was talking to a woman about meditation, something I’m pretty passionate about. I got amped up and started speaking in an animated, enthusiastic fashion, almost to the point of being over the top. Meditation is an ironic choice for something to get energetic and revved up about, but it seemed to fly with her. She didn’t hit me with quite as much excitement as I was putting out, but her energy level definitely spiked. She responded with, “Wow, that sounds so cool! I totally have to learn!” and other stuff along those lines. Generating excitement in myself was easy; all I had to do was talk about something that truly does excite me and just let that feeling build.

The other emotional state Sebastian had me generate was what he calls the “working it out” emotion. This isn’t quite an emotion, per se, but more of a vibe. It’s the feeling that you two are facing a challenge you need to sort out, and you’re both gonna roll up your sleeves and work through it together. Imagine calling a customer service line for your PC, and the guy’s first couple quick suggestions don’t fix things. The guy says, “Weird… hm. Ok, screw it. We’re gonna do this. Here we go. Can you reboot it and then type in…” That’s the “working it out” vibe. There’s a feeling of camaraderie, of putting your heads together to accomplish a shared goal. Sebastian suggested throwing in a little bit of a conspiratorial vibe too, as if the thing you’re working towards is just a little naughty, a teensy bit taboo. Even if it’s something as innocent as arranging a date, injecting a subtle undertone of shared conspiracy can make it more exciting. You can probably see how neatly this links up with that concept we discussed earlier, the “she really wants to see you” frame. She’s busy, you’re busy, but you know she wants to see you… ok, we can figure this out…let’s bust out the calendars and see what we can do here…

Have fun!

Cheers,
Clark

I gave myself a new mission a few days ago. Official missions from Sebastian are still coming down, and I’ll talk about some of those next post, but I’m self-assigning one as well. From now on, my default opener, the only one I’m allowed to use unless something else springs immediately to mind, is “Hey, how’s it going?” That’s it. Every single approach I make, I’m kicking off with a big smile and a cheerful “Hey, how’s it going?”

I’m doing this for a few reasons. One is that I haven’t fully internalized the fact that you can open with anything. I understand it intellectually, I’ve even confirmed it through personal experience, but I don’t fully accept it down in my gut. The belief that I need to spit some clever, magical opener is still skulking around in my subconscious, and every now and then it pops up to screw up my approaches. My solution: kick that belief in the head over and over until it stops getting back up. Bam! So I’m opening with “Hey, how’s it going?” – the king of boring openers – until my beliefs face the facts and straighten out. It’s already started to happen.

Another reason: it forces me to really step correct with my body language, vocal tonality, and energy. With “Hey, how’s it going?” I can’t lean on the interesting content of the opener – there isn’t any. This’ll be good for me.

Another reason: I sometimes have a problem of worrying about what I’m going to say as my opener, and this will eliminate that. Over-thinking about my opener is totally pointless and self-defeating; it just gets me stuck in my own head. You can’t really think your way to something witty or force cleverness out of yourself; you can only relax and let it flow from your natural, intuitive creativity. When I’m in state, this isn’t an issue. There’s no concern whatsoever about what to say. Everything is ridiculously easy, and I simply can do no wrong – it feels like I’ve smoked an eight-ball of Felix Felicis. I know that as soon as I roll up, I’ll just open my mouth and pure gold will pour out. But when I’m out of state, my problem of over-thinking what I’m going to say can actually keep me from getting in state. So from now on, if something doesn’t spring immediately to mind, I won’t spend an extra second worrying about what to say. I’ll just use “Hey, how’s it going?” Since I’ve started doing this, I’ve found that something usually does spring immediately to mind. Once I stopped worrying about what to say and trying to force creativity with my conscious mind, it just started to flow on its own.

See you soon,
Clark

Hey guys, quick one today. In fact, that’s appropriate, since this post is about doing something quickly; namely, getting a girl’s number.

Give this a try: roll up and open with Genuine Interest (”going direct” for all y’all pickup kids), then after telling her she’s cute or stunning or whatever, say, “I really have to run, but I’m gonna take a gamble that you’re cool too [get her number].” This is like a 30-second number-grab, and it works. If you don’t believe in the glory of the quick grab, do this right and it’ll expand your reality.

I think the power in this is that, by saying that you’ll gamble that she’s cool, you’re indicating that you demand certain standards in the women you see. It’s like giving her an IOU for screening… like, “I don’t have time to screen you right now, but it does matter to me that the girls I see are cool. I’ll assume you qualify for the moment, since I’m in a hurry. I’ll find out for real when we get together.” And it does it in a friendly, subtle, non-playerish way, instead of doing it like, “We can hang out IF you’re cool” or whatever.

When I do that 30-second number-grab, I usually keep the plans themselves somewhat nebulous - more “getting a drink sometime” than specific times and places. This might be me calibrating to the suddenness of the grab and not wanting to scare her off with specific plans before we’ve even chatted, or it might just be me using poor form. Not sure. I’ll experiment with being more specific on the 30-second number-grab and report back.

Plusses and Minuses of the Quick Number-Grab

The big minus to the 30-second grab that I can see is that the woman doesn’t get invested in the interaction; she simply doesn’t have time. Investment is a powerful attraction builder, and without it she’s more likely to flake. Even if she thought you were attractive, she might be less willing to push through obstacles, like other plans or general laziness, to see you - she didn’t put in a lot of work to get things rolling with you, so the thought of losing you doesn’t bug her too much.

The obvious plus is that you can do this when you’re in a hurry. Another one is that you literally don’t give yourself time to screw up. That sounds pessimistic, but it isn’t really. I’ve found that most people, if you show them one really cool aspect of yourself and then bail before they see anything else, tend to fill in the blanks with equally cool stuff. It’s like they take the one thing they know about you and flesh out the rest of you in their mind, at the coolness level of whatever glimpse of you they got. You can use that to your advantage here. With the quick number grab, make a powerful, attractive impression, then get outta there. She’ll fill in the blanks in a favorable way.

Like the last post, this is my rough idea and not fully vetted theApproach tech from Sebastian. Still, bearing that in mind, give this a try and let me know what you think.

Cheers,
Clark

Hey guys,

Here’s the situation: a woman’s leaving your place after the two of you have had sex for the first time… not too long after meeting each other. She’s gathered up her clothes and gotten dressed, the cab’s waiting outside, and she’s halfway out the door. You’re still under the covers, hands behind your head and feeling good, basking in that languid, post-coital contentment.

Maybe you see relationship potential here, or maybe you’re not on the monogamy market right now. Either way, you like this woman and want to see her again. You don’t want her to file you in the “one-night stand” category, but you’d rather not say something weak and played-out like “I’ll call you, ok?” or “Hey, let’s definitely hang out again soon.”

Here’s something I’ve said to let her know I care without getting cheesy, tapping bad precedent (e.g., “I’ll call you!”), or overstating my intentions. As she’s heading out the door, say:

“Hey, text me to let me know you got home ok.”

Of course, you could just not say anything or play it aloof or whatever, but I’m not really a fan of that. It might actually generate some intrigue and attraction, but it does that by tapping insecurities and vulnerabilities. I don’t like exploiting negative emotions to build attraction, and anyway, I want a woman to associate positive emotions with me, not negative ones. I think it makes for better, more enjoyable long-term connections.

So there you go. “Hey, text me to let me know you got home ok.” It’s just a normal thing to say, but that’s what most of this social-skills stuff is, really. The trick is in saying the right normal things at the right times. Anyway, try it out – it makes her feel good to hear it, which makes you feel good to say it. Plus, it’s just nice.

A quick disclaimer: this is my tech, not Sebastian’s. I said it on instinct a little while ago, it’s worked well, and I thought I’d share it with y’all. But it’s not fully vetted theApproach tech courtesy of Sebastian Drake. Just a heads up. Still, give it a whirl and see how it goes.

Cheers,
Clark

Ok, one more thing for today. This was told to me by the amazingly cool Scot McKay of X & Y Communications. We were chatting, and I mentioned a girl I’d kinda “blown it” with. I spotted her on Facebook (she was a friend’s friend), contacted her, and ended up meeting her for lunch. It went great, and we ended up having a noontime drink (ooh, taboo!) at a cool dive bar. At this point, it was clear that in addition to being smoking hot, this woman was intelligent and witty, with really interesting and eclectic interests. In the course of the conversation, the subject of smoking hookah came up, and she invited me back to her place to smoke hers. Oh snap, it’s on! Right? Well, probably, as long as Clark doesn’t drop the ball. Which I did.

We went back to her place, broke out the hookah and tobacco, sat on the couch, started smoking, and… I wussed out. I sat next to her so that we were thigh-to-thigh, but I was seized by nervousness and couldn’t make a move. I didn’t understand what was going on - this sort of hesitation isn’t typical for me (at least, not anymore), and I could feel the clock ticking down the seconds until my manhood was irretrievably lost. It took a whole hookah-smoke’s worth of time and a TV show before I finally kissed her. We began to make out, and I thought that I’d just barely scraped by despite my unforgivable wimpiness, but alas. A little making out, a little talking, and then she very gently and politely booted me out around 8. And not in an “It’s getting late, but OMG I’m dying to see you again for realz” way.

Granted, not too long ago I’d have been blown away by the idea of randomly hollering at a girl on Facebook, getting a date, and ending up making out back at her place. But now… what sticks is that I was a wimp. She sat there on that couch, waiting for me to be a man and make the move that we both wanted made. When I didn’t, it made me look (and feel) weak, nervous, and indecisive. At the end of the night, it came up that there was some guy in a different city that she was kind of into, and she wasn’t sure whether she wanted to (or could) pursue something with him. Ouch.

Anyway, I was telling all this to Scot, and he honed in on the fact that I was looking at this other guy like he was competition (I already understood what I’d actually done wrong during the date, so we didn’t spend too much time on that). Here’s what he said:

In Week 16 of the 2006 NFL season, the Vikings, the Redskins, and the Saints all had a shot at the playoffs.* All the Vikings had to do was win their next game, and they’d be in. The Redskins would get in only if they won their next game AND the Vikings lost theirs. The Saints would get in only if they won their next game AND both the Vikings and Redskins lost theirs. As Scot talked, I jotted down this diagram:

_______

+V –> V playoffs

_______

+R –> R playoffs

-V

_______

+S –> S playoffs

-V

-R

_______

Scot asked which team I’d most like to be. I said the Vikings, and I was right. All three teams have to win to get into the playoffs, but the Vikings are the only team whose prospects don’t also depend on other teams losing. The Vikings’ victory or defeat is all on their shoulders and no one else’s. Scot’s point was that if I’m out with the girl, then I don’t have to worry about whatever other guy is on her radar. I’m the Vikings - if she’s out with me, then I’ve got my shot and it’s all on me. The other guy can’t touch me. He’s the Redskins - he doesn’t affect whether I get to the playoffs, and I have to blow my shot if he’s going to have one. And, of course, somewhere out there are the Saints - some random guy who will get his shot if both of us drop the ball. I took my shot and didn’t do so well, giving the Redskins (i.e., other dude) an opportunity.

Now, this girl was awesome and I’d like to get her know her better (and more intimately), but my life will hardly come crashing down if we don’t end up getting together. That being said, I ain’t done yet. I may have dropped the ball, but my information says that the Redskins didn’t play too well either, and I haven’t heard about the Saints scoring a big win. I think it’s still anyone’s game. I’ll drop her a line inviting her to come do something fun, and the next time we go out, I won’t drop the ball. That’s what’s up.

Thanks for reading, guys.

Cheers,
Clark

*I may get the actual details of the sports metaphor wrong - the teams, year, or whatever. It won’t affect Scot’s point.

Good evening, ballers. I’m writing this from about 20,000 feet up, flying back from a wonderful vacation in Colorado with some old friends. I had a blast – we explored Denver and Boulder during the days, partied at night, and just enjoyed each other’s company. I know I already posted once in the new year, but just coming off vacation makes this feel like the first one, so: I hope you all had a great Near Year’s and are looking forward to an amazing 2008. Let’s keep going with Sebastian’s lessons on fashion.

Lesson with Sebastian Drake: Fashion, Part 2

Last time, we (and by we, I mean Sebastian) broke fashion down into two main elements. We already talked about the one, fit. Now we’ll cover the other one, detail.

Detail

Detail refers to little eccentricities that imply that your clothes are of high quality. Some signifiers of quality are inherent in the quality of the clothes itself – the fabric, stitching, etc – but those can be hard to spot, so high-end designers also put lots of special detail into their clothes as alternative signifiers of quality. Some examples would be interesting and eccentric stitching, cool pockets, non-functional zippers, cool buttons, artful rips or distressing in jeans, and so on. Any cool, funky little detail that makes the clothes more interesting is the sort of detail we’re talking about, and it’s a good thing to throw into your look.

This doesn’t mean that you should be gaudy. Sebastian’s not suggesting I go over the top with lots of flashy crap all over my clothes. That sort of attire is typical of the fashion philosophy called peacocking, popular in certain schools of “pickup.” Peacocking involves wearing flashy and eye-grabbing clothes to make yourself the focus of attention. A heavily peacocked pickup artist can be quite a sight – Erik “Mystery” von Markovik, for example, might be seen sporting a hat with goggles perched atop it, gleaming vinyl pants, a transparent mesh shirt, and massive New Rock boots. Personally, I don’t peacock, and neither does Sebastian – I suppose the Tibetan bracelets I wear are attention grabbers to some extent, but it doesn’t really go beyond that. Peacocking makes a lot of sense if your goal is to attract attention, but my goal is to be a stylish, high-status guy who attracts other high-status people. Sebastian is teaching me a fashion philosophy more in alignment with my personal aims. So if your goals are similar to mine in this area, then don’t be too outrageous, but do add some little details that give you a stylish edge, especially things that stand out at a distance.

If you add too much flash and dazzle to your look – say, big iced-out chains – you can lose some attainability and legitimacy. In other words, you’ll come off as a player or as hopelessly out of people’s league (or, if you can’t pull it off, as goofy-looking), and these are not good things. A great way around this, which will let you add some flash and ball out without sacrificing your attainability, is to add flash in your functional accessories. The functional accessory slots are: socks, scarf, belt, and watch. These are things that you wear for functional reasons, and so somehow you get a little more slack in being flashy with them than you would with a non-functional accessory like a bracelet or even a tie. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t wear non-functional accessories – I love wearing neckties, myself, and I also have a few bracelets – just that you have less leeway in getting super flossy with those items.

Again, the functional accessory slots are: socks, scarf, belt, and watch. Always wear cool socks – I like argyle patterns, and I also have some ridiculous, brightly-colored ones that I like to wear when the rest of my outfit is more monochromatic and subdued. I also picked up two scarves that I’ve been wearing a lot lately. One is very long and thin, sort of rolled in on itself, with a grey-and-black stripe pattern and tassels at the end. The other has a cool pattern of grey, purple, and pink. My watch is a ballin’-ass Diesel that an ex-girlfriend bought me as a birthday present, and my belt is… well, to be honest, my belts are pretty boring. I should upgrade soon.

Sebastian suggests matching your shoes, belt, and watch if you can. Personally, I only have one watch, which makes that a little tougher. I might buy some cheap, cool-looking watches, or I could also swap my current black watch-band for one in the color “cappuccino,” a dark brown that Sebastian says matches with brown, black, and red. Sebastian gave another cool little tip here: if your job involves corporate dress – say, if you’re at a law firm or investment bank – you can quickly go from a work look to a going-out look by swapping out your shoes, belt, and watch for a pair of white shoes, a white belt (or black belt with white buckle), and a white-plastic-coated metal watch (Sebastian says Guess makes good ones). Just keep the white gear in a box under your desk, and there you go.

A Quick Word on Buying Clothes

Before Sebastian buys a new item of clothing, he first makes sure that either: 1) it’s an incredibly good bargain, or 2) it will instantly become the coolest item of its type in his wardrobe. If neither of those is true, he doesn’t buy.

And that wraps up the lesson on fashion. Go forth, get fly, and have fun.

Cheers,
Clark