Evening, dearies, and happy holidays! I had a great experience yesterday, one that provided some insights I’d like to share with y’all. Every few weeks, some of the more senior guys in the Boston pickup community hold an event where they take newer guys out for a few hours to do daytime approaches. The more experienced guys each take a group of two or three newbies and push them into interactions, give them feedback, and do some demo approaches themselves. Yesterday, the event was held at a local mall. One of the more advanced guys had to cancel at the last minute, so I was given a group to take around instead of being assigned a sensei myself.

The guys in my group were awesome - eager to learn, receptive to feedback, and (for the most part) willing to approach when I said “approach.” This is no easy feat, especially if you’re new, and I wasn’t exactly merciful with the little missions I sent them on. I started by having my boys deliberately blow themselves out with women, so they could realize that rejection doesn’t have any real consequences and learn to shrug it off. To that end, they spent a few minutes approaching random women with lines like, “I’m in love with you. Do you want to date?” and other winners. After that, we went into full approach-machine mode, and I didn’t spare them the toughies. I had my boys chasing women into Victoria’s Secret to approach, stopping girls who were talking on their cellphones, and approaching large groups of intimidatingly beautiful women. They didn’t get a zillion numbers or dates, but they did get a few, and anyway that wasn’t the point. Any success following the approach was secondary; the main point was to approach, period. On that ground, they exceeded expectations. So if you’re reading this - Paul, Allen, Rob, Nick - nice one, fellas. As for me… well, I did ok.

It was interesting taking inexperienced guys out and watching them encounter, battle, and sometimes overcome unexpected sticking points. It actually clarified a few points for me and called my attention to issues that I’d thought about briefly but not fully.

Pacing

The idea here is simple: if it isn’t weird, don’t make it weird. If it is weird, acknowledge it and move on.

Let’s flesh that out. Approaching a woman on the street, in a mall, at a bar, or wherever isn’t a weird thing. There’s nothing wrong with it, and it doesn’t transgress social norms about acceptable behavior. It’s not weird, so don’t make it weird. Don’t approach with, “Excuse me…” or “Sorry to bother you, but…” or “Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” That gives the impression that you think you’re doing a weird thing, and they’ll tend to agree with you. Just do your thing; approach with confidence and without apology.

That being said, sometimes the approach will encroach on social norms a bit. Say she’s talking on her cell phone. Interrupting her to introduce yourself and start an interaction… well, that actually is a little unusual. When the situation is weird, acknowledge it and move on. Just preface your opener with what Sebastian calls a pace, a short phrase that acknowledges the oddness of the situation. Pacing is quick and easy, and it’s not a big deal, but it helps to throw some in when the situation calls for it: “Hi, I see you’re on your cell phone, but I saw you sitting here…” and you’re off. No muss, no fuss.

Oh, and bonus tech from Sebastian: after you approach phone-lady with your Genuine Interest opener (and get a response), suggest with a smile that maybe she can call whoever it is back. Trust me, this isn’t too forward - very often, they go with it.

The “Tree Disguise”

Ever see a cartoon where one character wants to sneak up on another, and he hides behind a fake tree or something and scoots along in short, furtive bursts? It’s usually accompanied by whimsical, “someone’s up to no good” music played in time with the scooting. Maybe the other character glances backward, sees that a tree has suspiciously relocated itself a few feet, then shakes his head and looks away - at which point the “tree” scoots a little further. You know what I’m talking about.

Yesterday, I realized that our fear of approaching a woman - approach anxiety, as the kids call it - uses legitimate reasons for not approaching as a “tree disguise,” a way to sneak up on us unnoticed. I would point at a woman some distance away and tell one of my boys, “Go! Approach!” He’d tense as if about to spring, then stall out and let her float away. He’d then turn to me and say, “She was too far away!” or “She was too young for me!” or “Come on, man, that girl? She was ugly!” or “She was working at that store, I didn’t want to bother her!” or “She was on her phone!” The list goes on. Here’s the thing… some of their excuses (not all of them) were actually legitimate - for instance, one guy pointed out, “She was with an enormous, scary-looking dude!” But even then, it’s wrong to believe that the excuse was the only reason he didn’t approach. It was just the legitimate reason, the cover story. Hiding behind it was my boy’s approach anxiety, using the excuse as a “tree disguise” to sneak in and affect his behavior. On some level, we know this, but it’s easier and more comforting to just pretend “it’s a tree” - to point to our legitimate excuse and ignore the role that approach anxiety played in our failure to approach.

The moral of this story is simple: approach. Unless it’s going to actually hurt you (or someone you know) physically, professionally, etc, go for the approach. Any excuses, other than the most dire ones, are “tree disguises.” Don’t let your approach anxiety slip past and get the drop on you.

Word.

Anyway, that’s it for today. Enjoy the holidays, be safe, and remember - use mistletoe responsibly.

Cheers,
Clark