Hey guys. Welcome back to my little corner of theApproach. We’re going to continue with Sebastian’s method of behavior modification, which he’s teaching me in several installments. After that, I’m going to share some thoughts from a recent night out socializing that didn’t go so well for me. I think it’s important to share my speed bumps and hang-ups with you guys, not just my successes. This stuff ain’t easy, and I don’t want to gloss over that. But from a certain perspective, even rough nights are valuable, positive experiences that we can feel good about. Kumbaya, y’all.

Lesson 9 with Sebastian Drake: Behavior Modification – Screening Questions

In the last lesson, Sebastian went over screening statements. This time, he taught me a subtler tool: screening questions. Just like screening statements, these can be used as the first step in Sebastian’s “intention mapping” method of behavior modification.

The Two Competing Purposes of Screening

There are two competing purposes of screening: finding out what a person is actually like, and modifying the person’s behavior to better reflect what you like. When screening someone, you have to decide which purpose you care about more, because dialing up one necessarily dials back the other.

Weighted Questions for Behavior Modification; Unweighted for Neutral Assessment

When you weight a screening question, you deliberately encourage one response and discourage the other. The more you weight a screening question, the more it operates to modify behavior. A completely unweighted question wouldn’t modify behavior at all – it would just reveal how someone actually is.

Here’s an example of a relatively unweighted question: “On a Sunday night, are you more likely to stay in and relax or go out and party?” Neither choice is deliberately made more appealing than the other.

Here are some weighted versions of the same question.

“On a Sunday night, are you more the type to stay in, relax, and enjoy yourself, or do you have to get out again no matter what?” This question is weighted in favor of staying in; it frames staying in as pleasant and going out as irritating, maybe even a sign of insecurity. A person answering this question will probably go with the “staying in” response. There, you just encouraged her to say that she has the trait you want – the first step in Sebastian’s intention map.

“On a Sunday night, are you more the type to just stay in and… not do much, or are you more the type to head out again for another good time with friends?” This question offers the same choice but is weighted in favor of going out. Dig?

Whether you should weight a screening question or not depends on your intention. If you want to meet a woman who already actively possesses the traits you like, then ask unweighted questions. If you’ve already decided that you’re going to pursue a woman – if, say, she’s ridiculously hot, or if she possesses some traits that you really value but lacks other important ones – then ask weighted questions and draw out the qualities in her that you like.

Phrasing Your Screening Question

Here are several formats for screening questions:

-Are you more X or Y? (this is the format used in the examples above)

-I like X. Are you X? (this is naturally weighted)

-I like X. Do you consider yourself to be X? (a variation on the above, good for subjective traits like spontaneity, independence, loyalty, etc)

-I don’t like Y. You’re not Y, right? (slightly more hardcore)

-I need X in the people in my life. Are you X? (extremely weighted)

If you’re going to weight a question, don’t half-ass it. Put some friggin’ mustard on it! Go to extremes – frame your desired trait as wonderful and the opposing trait as god-awful. Initially, my weighted questions were wimpy, like (to emphasize spontaneity over structure) “Would you say that you’re more into being spontaneous and doing fun things on the fly, or are you more into planning a little more before you make decisions?” That’s barely weighted at all. Better would be, “Are you into being fun and spontaneous, going where the moment takes you and having adventures, or are you into, like, sitting and thinking and planning for an hour before you do anything?”

If you ask someone a screening question in the “Are you more X or Y?” format, it shouldn’t be possible to answer, “Both.” That’s no good. Phrase it to force a choice. Phrasing X and Y as distant extremes, like we just talked about, should do the trick.

Don’t be too wordy. Usually this happens because you’re a little nervous about throwing out a harsh screening question and are dancing around your points, but you have to just man up and do it. Learn to laugh at the tension, and the interaction will go better for you and her both. Be fairly concise, so that each word you use has significance.

Be sitrel with your screening questions. Sebastian is going to teach me how in some future lesson. In the meantime, he said, it’s fine for me to just drop them into the conversation with an un-sitrel thud. So maybe I get blown out, no biggie. One somewhat better way to do it is to build a context into the screening question. Bring up a short story or conversational thread about something that happened to you recently (recent events are automatically sitrel, Sebastian says), and use that to lead into the screening question. Here’s an example: “Yikes… I just watched a friend of mine get out of a relationship with a super clingy girl. What a slow motion trainwreck… wait, that’s not you, right?”

Rewarding Someone for Passing Your Screen

“That’s cool, you do seem (positive trait). I like that.”

“… I dig that.”

“… I approve.” (with a big smile)

So there you have it – screening questions. Use your new powers wisely.

Sebastian gave me a mission as follow-up for this lesson: screen the crap out of people, to the point of triggering responses nearing auto-rejection.* Examples: “Wow, you ask a lot of questions,” or “You’re picky, huh?” Sebastian asked me to get three near-auto-rejects. Give this a try if you like; it’s interesting to see how much it takes to trigger this response.

“Bleh” Nights and Crappy Nights

Friday night, I went with some friends to a popular bar and dance club. The night was… ok. It wasn’t particularly awful, and I actually had some tangible success, but things never really clicked. I’m sure you’ve had nights like that, nights that are just “bleh.” I definitely have these now and then, and worse, I have absolutely crappy nights sometimes.

The thing is, I try to see those nights as their own kind of victory. There’s a victory in hanging in there, putting in the time so that my unconscious social calibration can improve. There’s a victory in making the best of these difficult nights and going home with a smile on my face. There’s a victory in learning lessons that will benefit my social skills down the line. If I can truly adopt this mindset, then the prospect of a “bleh” night – or even a crappy night – can’t scare me away from going out and socializing. I can welcome whatever the night brings, because I know that victory lies ahead no matter what.

Ajahn Brahmavamso, the abbot of a Buddhist monastery in Australia, said something wonderful in a talk he gave on meditation. He said:

The first meditation teacher I had told me something which then sounded quite strange. He said that there is no such thing as a bad meditation! He was right. All those meditations which you called bad, frustrating and not meeting your expectations, all those meditations are where you do the hard work for your “pay cheque.”

…

It is like a person who goes to work all day Monday and gets no money at the end of the day. “What am I doing this for?” he thinks. He works all day Tuesday and still gets nothing. Another bad day. All day Wednesday, all day Thursday, and still nothing to show for all the hard work. That’s four bad days in a row. Then along comes Friday, he does exactly the same work as before and at the end of the day the boss gives him a pay cheque. “Wow! Why can’t every day be a pay-day?!”

…

It is in the difficult meditations that you build up your credit, you build up the causes for success… Then when there’s enough credit of good qualities, the mind goes into a good meditation and it feels like “pay-day”. It is in the bad meditations that you do the work.

Anyway, you get the idea. “Bleh” nights, crappy nights, it’s all good. Now let’s see if I can’t review the rough patches of the night and squeeze some value out of them.

Ok, thinking back, here’s the main problem I had Friday night: I was radiating high status to the women around me, but I didn’t own it and that came through in my interactions. I didn’t truly believe, in my gut, that I was on the level of the gorgeous women around me. Intellectually, I knew that I had what it takes – hell, I’ve had great interactions with beautiful women before – but emotionally I just wasn’t in that place.

I definitely came packing my passive value that night. I’m not a super-hot model dude, but I clean up well, and I was dressed fly and groomed well. I also rocked the powerful body language Sebastian taught me. I could feel that super-saiyan aura of social power as I moved through the bar. Women were giving me glances and lingering looks, and when I waded through the dance floor to reach the coat check, several women did that thing where they sorta half-turn toward you and dance “at you” instead of getting out of your way.

But here’s the thing: I may have felt like a mack when walking around – making smoldering eye contact, getting girls to turn toward me and smile as I walked by – but when it came time to actually approach, I turned into a plate of jiggly flan. I was scared. I felt as if, as soon as I opened my mouth, the illusion would shatter and they’d realize that I wasn’t one of them, that I didn’t belong. They’d see right through my clothes and my body language, and they’d realize what I really was: a chode in a cool-guy suit, playing way out of my depth. I didn’t consciously think this, but it was how I felt in the pit of my stomach as I approached or even thought about approaching.

Of course, since that’s how I felt, that’s exactly how I came off. Women were receptive when I approached, but I quickly burned through whatever initial goodwill I’d earned with my appearance and body language. Boring conversation, a lack of dominance, no self-assurance in my voice – I can’t pinpoint all the specifics, but it was just an overall wimp vibe and lack of confidence. Don’t get the wrong idea – I wasn’t absolutely terrible. I was certainly better than I’d been in my old days of social mediocrity, maybe even more attractive than most of the guys that had talked to them that night. My rough nights now are better than my rough nights once upon a time. Still, it wasn’t a great night.

So what do I do about this? Well, there are a few things I can think of.

I should review my lesson with Sebastian about beliefs and reinforce to myself that I am high-status. I truly am, so this isn’t something I have to trick myself into believing. I just need to recognize it and really own it.

I should take away a lesson about the importance of command presence – there was a slight meekness and timidity to my approaches, and if I’d remembered to “approach like she dropped her wallet,” I would have done much better. Even if I’m not really feeling confident and assertive at first, I should “fake it til I make it,” and eventually I’ll shift into the right mindset.

I should care less about the outcomes of my interactions, be less attached to success and focus more on just enjoying the process. Usually I’m pretty good with this, but it was an off night – fair enough. To prevent this in future, I could start my night off with a bunch of friendly “warm-up” interactions, saying hi and chatting with people with no expectations whatsoever (although, ideally, I should never have set expectations).

Above all, I think I have to just shrug it off and keep getting out there. I can do all the things I mentioned above, but I’ll still have off nights once in a while, and I doubt that’s going to change. The best solution I have is to just keep at it, and to not let them faze me or discourage me from going out and socializing.

Also, I don’t want to exaggerate the bad aspects of the night. Some good stuff happened too, and I should give those things their due. In no particular order:

I rolled up on a cute girl on the dance floor without hesitation and started dancing with her, which is something I’m usually pretty scared to do. In the few times I tried this back in the old days, my nervousness would usually come through as awkwardness or creepiness, and the poor girl would dance away or signal her friends to save her (totally understandable). Not this time. For whatever reason, I felt confident and fearless in that moment, and she opened right up and started dancing with me.

I had a good time with my friends. Actually, if I’d focused more on just enjoying myself with my buddies, I’d probably have been more successful with women that night. But I did have a good time, and that’s something.

I screened my friggin’ face off, just like Sebastian asked me to. I’m embarrassed to say that I failed to get three near-auto-rejects (I only got one, but it was priceless: “What is this, Match.com?”), but not for lack of trying. I guess people are just cool with a ton of screening. I suppose I could have gotten ridiculous with it, just firing off screening question after screening question, without taking a breath, to the point of serious social impropriety – maybe it’s my bad for not doing that. I did screen a lot with almost everyone I talked to, though.

Anyway, there you have it. A bumpy night for Clarkles. No biggie – it had its good moments, I hopefully learned something from it, and my social calibration is that much better for having been through it. I guess it can’t be all Playboy bunnies and reality TV starlets 24/7.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers,
Clark

*Auto-Rejection: A person’s response to something they believe to be truly unattainable is usually one of auto-rejection, the rationalization that the thing they can’t have is undesirable anyway. Think of the fable of the Fox and the Grapes. The fox can’t reach the high-hanging bunch of grapes, no matter how hard he tries. After trying and failing for some time, he walks off, telling himself that they’re probably sour anyway.