Hey guys,

Clark here. Before we get into my fourth lesson with Sebastian, let’s do a quick rundown of what we’ve covered so far. Up to this point, we’ve focused on loading me up with massive amounts of passive value – that’s value that conveys itself through my presence alone, without my needing to actively demonstrate it. We’ve done this by training in:

• Taking up space in a dominant way
• High-value body language
• Adjusting my beliefs to acknowledge the high value I already possess
• Approaching with a commanding presence, rather than being weak and tentative
• Using nonverbals to make a point as simply and powerfully as possible, specifically:
  • -Nonverbal communication through eye contact
  • -Nonverbally deterring unpleasant or inappropriate behavior

We’re aiming for full internalization of these behaviors, so that I do them unconsciously and with effortless skill. That’s just a matter of practice, and hopefully I’ll have them internalized and running on autopilot before too long. I guess I’m far enough along that Sebastian feels ready to move on to the actual nitty-gritty of social interactions. We’re starting at the beginning, with openers. An opener is whatever you say or do to initiate an interaction. “Hi” is an opener. “What’s your sign?” is an opener, although not a great one.

What you say in your opener does matter a little, but it’s insignificant compared to your body language, pacing, vocal tonality, facial expression, etc. From what I understand, the extremely socially powerful guys can open with absolutely anything. Even I’ve experienced this on nights when I felt really on – one night, my main opener was “Hey guys, do I have anything in my teeth? [Clark bares teeth]” and it worked fine. Still, we’re going for best-practices behaviors, so we might as well make our openers tight. Plus, when you’re pretty new to this stuff (like me) and don’t yet have George Clooney nonverbals, saying something money might make all the difference.

Ok, enough chitchat. Happy fun learning time begin NOW!

Lesson 4 with Sebastian Drake: Situational Relevance; Openers, Part 1

Situational Relevance

Situational Relevance is pretty self-explanatory; it basically refers to whether a statement makes sense given the situation in which you say it. Saying something that isn’t situationally relevant, or sitrel, often gets responses like “What?” “Why are you asking me this?” or “That was random.” When we talk about openers, it’s important to remember that they should be sitrel.

At a dance club, saying “Hey, I can’t believe they’re playing this song! This song was like the anthem for my whole summer!” is sitrel. Saying “Hey, who lies more, men or women?” at a dance club is usually not sitrel. Approaching a woman in a bookstore and telling her, in a soft but confident voice, that you think she’s absolutely radiant is sitrel. Approaching a woman in a bookstore and yelling “Dude, you’re hot!” is not. You probably get the idea, but let’s break it down into something we can really work with.

According to Sebastian, situational relevance has three components: context, comprehension level, and energy level.

Context

Context is the main part of situational relevance, and it’s also pretty self-explanatory. Does what you’re saying make sense given the context of the interaction, or does it seem to come out of nowhere? There are two ways to be contextually relevant: through environmental context and through conversational context.

If the statement is an observation about something in the actual environment around you, or if it’s something that makes sense to say within that environment, then it’s relevant to the environmental context. Examples include talking about interesting décor, music, people in the vicinity, and stuff like that.

A statement that doesn’t riff off of the environment can still be contextually relevant if it flows from the thread of conversation. For example, you start by talking about the music, move to discuss the crazy summer adventures for which the song provided the soundtrack, and eventually end up sharing childhood memories. The first topic was relevant to the environmental context, but the other two weren’t. That’s fine, because they were relevant to the conversational context.

Comprehension Level

Comprehension level refers to how sophisticated you can be in what you say. In high-comp venues, you can engage people at a higher intellectual level, meaning you should feel somewhat freer to discuss subtle ideas and employ sophisticated language. In low-comp venues, keep it simple. Short sentences and short words; basic ideas; no frills.

As Sebastian defines it, comprehension level is venue-specific. It’s inversely proportional to the level of stimulus in the venue. The level of stimulus rises (and the comprehension level falls) with factors like how loud the music is, how crazy and flashy the strobe lights are, how dim the regular lights are, how crowded it is, whether there’s booze or drugs, etc. The spectrum stretches from “library” to “rave.” According to Sebastian, the absolute #1 suppressant of comprehension level is the presence of alcohol.

Energy Level

While comprehension level is defined as venue-specific, Sebastian defines energy level as person-specific. Someone can be at a crazy, drug-fueled rave and still be low-energy herself, maybe leaning against a wall or sitting somewhere quietly. The rule of thumb is: come in at or near the energy level of the person you’re approaching. Slightly above and slightly below are both fine.

Openers

Sebastian said that all openers can be sorted using five categories: Genuine Interest, Implicit Direct, Situational, Indirect, and Playful/Nonverbal.

Genuine Interest

A Genuine Interest opener involves walking up to a woman you find attractive and telling her so, warmly and confidently conveying your interest in getting to know her better. I referred to this in an earlier post as “going direct,” but Sebastian likes the term “Genuine Interest opener” better. I hear and obey.

Genuine Interest openers are pretty bold. Traditional “pickup” wisdom tends to frown on this sort of directness, suggesting instead that you open while somehow feigning disinterest. This is based on the idea that you shouldn’t convey interest in a woman until she has become interested in you. We don’t really subscribe to this approach. For one thing, directly expressing interest in a confident way is ballsy enough that it alone can earn you some interest. For another thing, if you’ve stocked up on passive value, there’s an excellent chance that you’ll already have some interest from the woman before you even open your mouth. This is why we’re such fans of passive value here at theApproach - it lets us get off to a running start with our interactions instead of tiptoeing around and hiding our intentions.

The basic format that Sebastian recommends for Genuine Interest openers is “I saw you ______________, and I had to say _________________.” The first blank is whatever she was doing when you saw her; sitting, standing, or walking cover just about everything. Sebastian calls this little preface “pacing.” For whatever reason, coming right out and laying the compliment on a woman usually doesn’t go so well. It’s a little jarring, I guess. Also, Sebastian says that linking your approach to whatever you saw her doing right at that moment somehow makes it feel more spontaneous (which it hopefully is – hovering is bad). The second blank is either the first thing you noticed about her or the thing you like most about her. Are her stiletto boots just deadly-looking? Tell her so. Did the sheen of her hair catch your eye, or the glow of her complexion? You can go with that too. By the way, remember that these are all just guidelines, not hard-and-fast rules.

Once again: “I saw you [whatever she was doing – usu. sitting there/standing there/walking by], and I had to say [compliment on either the first thing you noticed or the thing you like most].”

Some pointers on Genuine Interest openers: for one thing, don’t be cliché. There’s a concept called precedence that suggests that people get used to responding to a certain stimulus in a certain way. If a woman is used to blowing out guys who approach her with “Hi, what’s your name?” then saying that to her will probably trigger that old association and earn you a quick blowout as well. On the other hand, good precedence is something that you can benefit from. We’ll talk about that later. For now, just remember to avoid bad precedence – don’t say the cliché crap she associates with the guys she’s blown out, or she’ll associate you with those guys.

Also, if you’re going to complement her on something she’s wearing rather than just her beauty or vibe in general, make sure that you link it to some quality of hers that you like. If you like her boots, don’t say, “I like your boots.” For all she knows, you’re admiring them because you want to buy a pair like them for your girlfriend. You haven’t conveyed your interest in her, just her boots. Instead, tell her that the boots look amazing on her, or comment on her great fashion sense in wearing something as sexy and edgy as those boots. Make sure it’s about her, not the item.

The reason we love Genuine Interest openers is that they’re both simple and always contextually relevant. The woman herself provides the context.

Implicit Direct

With Implicit Direct openers, you don’t overtly state your interest, but it’s still pretty clear why you’re talking to her. This includes openers like “What’s up?” “How’s it going?” and Sebastian’s favorite, “Is this seat taken?” He likes that one because it has a built-in contingency; if, when you sit down, she says something like “Oh, I thought you just wanted to take the chair,” you respond, “No, you just seemed interesting and I wanted to meet you. I’m [your name].” Pretty sneaky, sis.

You don’t want to be cliché with these either – in fact, that’s pretty much true for everything you say. According to Sebastian, “What’s happening?” and “What’s good?” are better than “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?” even though they’re pretty much the same thing, simply because fewer people say them, and there’s less negative precedence associated with them. Even better is that mighty god-king of Implicit Direct openers, the shining Excalibur that Sebastian bequeathed unto me with great solemnity: “Hey, are you guys having a good time?” Oh, the power. This one is awesome in a bar or club because, instead of simply avoiding bad precedence, it taps into good precedence. At a bar or club, who typically says things like “Hey, are you guys having a good time?” DJs. Promoters. Managers. Owners. When you open with “Hey, are you guys having a good time?” you’re saying something to which people are used to responding very positively.

Situational

Situational openers use a simple concept – opening about something in the environment around you. The easiest way to do this is to simply point out something interesting or strange that you see. Sebastian uses what he calls the “nudge and point.” See something beautiful, funny, or bizarre? Nudge and point. Say something about it if you want, but it’s not necessary for the opener (although it usually is if you’re opening someone when the two of you are walking). The mindset you want for this is that you just saw something amazing and simply want to share it with another human being. That’s a nice thing to do anyway.

Situational openers require that you be perceptive and think on your feet. After all, you need to have actually seen something in the environment worth talking about. Sebastian gave me an exercise to help train my perceptiveness and ability to pick things out of the environment: whenever I’m walking anywhere, I pick a color and try to spot every instance where that color appears in my surroundings. So as I walk along, I’m basically thinking to myself, “Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue…” picking out everything blue in my field of vision: cars, signs, spray-paint on walls, people’s jeans, etc. This is a lot of fun, by the way – definitely do this, if only to amuse yourself on your way to wherever it is you’re going.

Coming up:

-Part 2 of Sebastian’s lesson on openers

-Clark’s adventures trying out these openers (with REAL women!)

Don’t touch that dial!

Cheers,
Clark