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Hi Approach Crew!

I think your material is very excellent and particularly useful for developing game. Which is why I’m asking YOU GUYS about one of my sticking points–how do I escalate properly? I can often get attraction from a girl who I meet–I have good body language, EC, talking skills, SitRel etc. However, I don’t always know how to proceed.

Alright, let’s check the trees and the forest first and foremost. The attributes you mentioned - great nonverbals (bodylanguage and eye contact), situational relevance, conversation skills - these are the attributes that make you VALUABLE, not that necessarily make her attracted. To attract her, you’re going to need to make yourself attainable and get her to put some work in. When those happen, then you’ve got attraction.

Here’s an example: I went to a party, and I met a girl (call her HBSwing) who was attractive and very friendly. I talked to her for a while, I was engaging the whole group of girls she was with, and I was getting close to HBSwing, as we swing-danced, etc. However, I wasn’t sure where to go. I thought I was supposed to get closer with her, emotionally, and also appreciate her some more. I told her she was adventurous but she denied it, and then sort of blew me off. I just left it there.

You had value; she saw you as valuable due to being social, having fun, dancing, etc. - combined with your aforementioned Situational Relevance, Nonverbals, and so on. Now, you need to make yourself ATTAINABLE to her and get her to start putting work towards getting you. When you told her she was adventurous, she apparently didn’t believe you and auto-rejected. Auto-rejection is when attainability is low, and the girls don’t reject you - they reject themselves.

This sometimes happens, and it’s very frustrating. Also, even when I do get to a second meet with a girl, I don’t know how, or when, to physically escalate. Should I become her confidante, then kiss? Do I continue just attracting her? Talk for a while? It’s so confusing! How long do I wait, what else is necessary?

Alright, one of our best club instructors - Morgan - has an expression.

“KEN ASAYEV” - Kino-EyeContact-Nonverbals As Soon As You Enter the Venue.

Escalation should always start from Incidental Kino - that’s where you’re both touching, but neither of you are consciously doing it. Sharing an umbrulla, sitting with knees interlocked on barstools, or being close together on a couch are examples of incidental kino. You escalate from incidental kino.

Focus first and foremost on getting girls to put more work in. Have her hold your drink while you use the men’s room, ask her questions to see if she meets your standards, get her to buy something for you - even something small like a cup of coffee. Maybe have her pick you up for the date in her car. Then reward her heavily with attainability.

As for becoming her confidante - that’s typically a very “slow” strategy. You always want to increase attainability and compliance - and then underreward the good behavior to increase your value a la the Compliance/Value Model. This means she’ll be getting progressively more attracted and working more. Then, get incidental kino - you should be so close to her that you can simply turn her head and move your own a couple inches before kissing her. No “going for the kiss” - you should be close the kiss is inevitable when you do it.

If you could clear this up for me, I’d be very grateful.

Thanks! You guys are the best.
Joseph

Thanks for writing in Joseph, and best wishes,

Sebastian
–
theApproach: The Science of Social Chemistry for the Modern Gentleman