QUESTION FOR SEBASTIAN:

Dear Sebastian:

I have a great girlfriend who is very devoted to me (I definitely have the reverse supplication thing going for me to a certain degree). See I have tons of acquantinces, a few friends, and little to no really good friends, so i’m kind of banging my head up a wall to figure out why. I’ve never been the guy where people are like “Hey man we’re having a party tonight, you should come”. For a long time I was a social retard, so now i’m just trying to reclaim lost time. So, not really in relationship terms but in the sense for building long term friendships with people. How do I do that?

Thanks,
W

ANSWER FROM SEBASTIAN:

Hey W -

I hear where you’re coming from now. Believe it or not, I’m much the same way - A lot of people who are really ambitious in life and chase a lot of success have lots of friends but few “very close” friends. Not including one of my girlfriends, I have just one myself.

Of course, it all depends on what you mean by “very close” - I have lots of friends that I trust a ton, and can count on, and yes I do get those party invites. It comes down to basically two things as I see it -

You need to contribute more than you ask for from people. This includes being fun, social, insightful, etc. As your general conversational skills improve, and you get more interesting experiences, that’ll help. Vibing and other conversational skills can be learned.

And the second part, which I’d hazard to guess is where you’re “not on point” - is time. To have really close friends, you need to spend a lot of time with them. That’s why I don’t have a lot of really, really close friends - I don’t have time to spend hanging out with people, developing deep friendships, etc. A lot of the really successful people I know have one really close confidant type, then usually a close S.O. girlfriend type they can lean on, and LOTS of acquaintences, casual friends, and people they respect that they stay in touch with. That’s because it takes a *lot* of
work to make really deep friendships. Long hours of conversation, hanging out, learning and growing together.

Half the battle is probably meeting someone you want to be close friends with. The easy answer is a strong common interest. Exercise and combat sports tend to be common ones - Martial arts, fencing, weightlifting. Dancing. Pickup, possibly (I met Vinny through the “seduction community” actually). Any clubs. Maybe a job, or a
sport. Chess, actually. Tobacco, ironically enough. Politics. Maybe…

The key is to join organizations that have the kind of people you like to be around in them. That’s simultaneously a lot easier and a lot harder than it sounds. Step one might be figuring out what your interests are. If you’re a “dabbler” (I’m one), a jack-of-all-trades master-of-none type - it can be tougher.

If you were asking for my out and out advice - I’d say develop your social skills and general life skills to an extremely high degree. Focus on the process, not the result. Sleeping with bunches of women will help your overall confidence and overall social skills. If that doesn’t appeal to you, I understand, but it helps a lot. Guys are actually easier to socialize with than girls - by far - but you don’t get the #1 push towards closeness you get with girls (sex). Sex brings you really close with a woman. For guys, the common experience and deep connection comes from other stuff - Oftentimes figuring out/conquering problems together, going through tough times together, achieving a common goal, anything that feels like or simulates combat (examples would be rough physical sports, military service even if it’s peaceful and you never actually are in live combat, being say, on the police force together). All those would make you closer with people. But the biggest thing is just time. Deep friendships take a long time to make, and to spend that much time with someone, you’d have to really like them and click with them. So again, get into figuring out what you like and your interests and go from there.

A few years ago, I found myself asking this very question. I was saying, “I understand women now. I can meet girls I like, have quick fun casual things, and then find quality girlfriends if I want. Now, how the hell do I make quality friends?” Since then, I’ve struck into a great friendship with the one cat who I talk to almost every day, swap advice and sort out and conquer problems. Then I’ve got lots of other friends. The party invites come from having lots of people you’re cool with who see you are having a lot to offer, so general improvement in social skills helps there. As for deep friendship - Step one is figuring out what you want in life, step two is figuring out where people who want the same thing are, and step three is joining that circle. The rest flows pretty easily.

All the best,

Sebastian